M o n d a y M u d
the special "Michael J. Hunt Kills Time" issue
A great American rock & roll band, for sure.
Any way I want it? This is how I want the "Mud" man, full of cool rock lyrics like you see above. No more of that esoteric crap from some stoner ... just good fucking lyrics from classic rock tunes, some good dirty jokes and maybe some occasional titty jpegs. Now, dude, check the number below and log it into your fuckin' V-chip:
00002760
Okay, got it? that's the web counter number set at the moment I upload this page to AOL. Now I'll betch'ya that once the world community sees what I have to offer, that number'll start spinnin' like the fuckin' fan in Satan's office. Hey, have you heard that one? Let's get started then ...
So this dude (I'll call him "Bill" cos I got a bud named Bill and I promised I'd give'm some shit in my test column ... that's what you're reading now). So this dude Bill, does all this bad shit while he's on earth and shit so the fucker goes to hell when he dies. I don't know what exactly, kickin' dogs, cheating on his bitch, stealin' shit ... you know. So the fucker dies, right? And he fuckin' goes to Hell and shit, so he gets there and he meets fuckin' Satan at the fiery gates. So Satan sez "Hi" and shit and shows him (Bill) around a little bit you know, where the cans are and shit, and they get to this room with fuckin' clocks on the wall. I mean milllions and fuckin' millions of fuckin' clocks, and they all have names under them so Bill goes,
"Whoa, Stan, dude ..."
Satan goes, like
"Fuckin' Stan? My name isn't Stan you fuckin' asshole, it's Satan!"
So Bill looks at Satan's fuckin' name tag and goes, like,
"Whoa, dude ... I didn't see that first "a" .... sorry dude. So Satan, what the fuck are all these clocks for?"
And Satan's gettin' all excited and shit and sez,
""Oh, I've got a clock for everybody back on fuckin' earth and everytime they jack-off it spins around once."
Bill's like,
"Whoa, you mean chicks jack-off too?"
And Satan's like,
"Well yeah, sometimes but they don't call it fuckin' "jackin'-off" you moron, they got more delicate phrases for it cos chicks got "class," not to mention more self control. Didn't they fuckin' teach you anything on Earth, dude?"
Bill's startin' to get pissed off and shit and sez,
"Fuck you Stan, I learned plenty you 'fuck!' This place fuckin' sucks man, I wanna fuckin' go to Heaven."
Satan's like,
"Heaven???? Man, Heaven fuckin' sucks man, nuthin' but a bunch'a fountains and a bunch'a fuckin' little angels floatin' around on clouds and shit. And God???? Man, the guy's a fuckin' asshole for sure. If he's not thinkin' up some new fuckin Commandment, he's walkin' around like he's his own gift to mankind. And that son of his ... don't even get me started on that little brown-noser, it's pure nepotism and politics up there man."
Bill's like,
"Yeah, but they must have more chicks than you got down here Stan, my man."
Satan laughs,
"If I had a fuckin' nickel for everytime I heard that one ... think about it asshole! Sure ... God might have more chicks up it his place but I got the loose ones down here man! Hey, after we finish this fuckin' clock joke let's grab a bottle of 2-Fingers To-kill-yuh (Tequila) and head over to Marie Antionette's crib."
Bill's like,
"Marie Antionette? Didn't she get her head chopped ............ ohhhhhh, I get it ... yeah let's finish up this fuckin' joke and, er, head out."
Satan's pulls the 2-Fingers out of his fuckin' asshole and takes a swig.
"Yeah, where the Hell were we?"
"You were showing me the clocks."
Satan's like,
"Oh yeah, right .... wait ... it's your line next."
Bill's like,
"So where's 'my' fuckin' clock Stan?"
"It's in my office, I use it for a fuckin' fan"
So, you likin' the column so far? They're givin Stoner Swanson a couple more weeks max and they're gonna fire his ass for going AWOL, or as I call it, America Without Online. Pretty clever, huh?
That whole Mud 2000 thing is a crock of shit if you ask me so I'm pretty sure I'm going to land the gig ... pretty exciting. They're testing me out this week, I can write whatever and however the fuck I want, it's the web counter that does the talking in this fuckin' community so we shall see, we shall see ....
Excuse me, I'm getting paged, I'll be right back.
Okay, I'm back, just another hangup call.
So, does anybody wish Night Ranger would get back together? They were fuckin' tits for sure. When I saw "Boogie Nights" last year I almost arrived in my fuckin' Dokkers when that cool guy with the moustache was doin' air guitar on "Sister Christian." He was a pretty good air guitar player too, a buddy of mine, Chaz is probably better, especially on that tune but he's got a longer arm with more frets on it.
Now I can't get that fuckin' tune outta my head!!!!!!!
"You mowed her head
what's your price for rice?"
See, that's what's cool about classic rock, you get to hear it so much only a fuckin' idiot wouldn't know the fuckin' words by now. It's like poetry for regular guys like you and me, you know "normal" not like some fuckin' grunge alternative fuck-stain. I mean, could you ever possibly get sick of hearing Steve Miller on the radio? I sure can't, especially that one tune (I can't remember the name of it) that goes:
"Big ole' Jed had a rhino.
doughnuts and rakes rake the hay"
And remember Looking Glass? The dude really nailed it when he sang,
"Brandy, you're a fine girl,
what a good white human being"
I think they ripped off Van Morrison though, remember from Brown Eyed Girl when he sings
"Hey white amigo"
I know that Elton John is kind of a fem and everything but he sure knew how to write some fuckin' great lyrics, like:
"What do you think you'll do there
You'll get your sheep down the plain
It'll take you a couple of hot urine tablets
To get you on your feet again"
Yeah, heavy! It seems like these rock stars like to sing about sheep though, whatever floats your boat I suppose. I think Bon Scott said it best when he sang:
"Dirty deeds, done to sheep
Dirty deeds and they're done to sheep"
I was watching Easy Rider the other night on DVD and, okay, now don't take this the wrong way, I'm not a stoner okay? But in the spirit of the film I thought it would be appropriate to roll up a big fatty and toke it down before I watched. And, well, maybe one more before I listened to Dennis Hopper's audio commentary. Only so I could understand the fucker though! So I was about half-baked when they were fuckin' doin that drug deal down in Mexico or wherever and then they sold it to the rich fucker in the Rolls with those planes swooping overhead, man that sounded good in surround sound! So they're about 10 minutes into it and you forget that the opening credits haven't even fuckin' rolled yet and the ...... BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They hit the fuckin' open road on them fuckin' cool-ass Harley choppers with that fuckin' Steppenwolf classic kickin' in (everybody get their air guitars ready) the fuckin anthem of somebody elses generation (but I'll latch onto it too just for convenience) hits full fuckin' throttle:
Dehr, dehr-dehr.
Dehr-dehr dher dher-dehr-dehr-dehr (that's the guitar part)
Ditch your modem online
It's wet out on the highway
Lookin' for your dentures
And butt ever come subway
Yeah Darla gonna make it snappy
Take the wool in an oven brace
Viral Oliver grunts at lunch
And X-load empty space
I like smokin' ice cream
Never met elfs under
Ray's in with the wind
And the fillin' that I blundered
Yeah Darla gonna make it snappy
Take the wool in an oven brace
Viral Oliver grunts at lunch
And X-load empty space
Like a tune acres heiled
Weebil porn, porn can be wild
Weaken climate eyes
Eye Neve, Ivana, Di
Born to be wild
Born to be wild
Words written by Mars Bonfire
Hey, the time went pretty fast, I hope you fuckin' had fun, wish me luck on the web counter contest and ... oops .... I'm getting paged again .... I'd better run!
See you soon (hopefully),
Michael J. Hunt
The Archives
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!," Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV,
Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape
05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars,
if they should bar wars, don't let them end.
06/07/99 Amnesia & Other Excuses, Film
Critics on Weed, Last Random Notes
06/14/99 Surly Rantings; Yes Virginia, there
is a Rastler Governor; The Clipboard Gauntlet
06/28/99 Is Dave Matthews Cool?; Surfin' Safari;
Safety Trip Tips; Patch Adams & Other Random Notes
07/12/99 Summertime Blues, Unemployment Fantasy
#1, Still on Dave Matthews Case, Catholic Rock Festivals
07/26/99 Shakespeare in Lust; Reddi, Wip GO!
What the Puck? A Rare Moment of Reflection
08/02/99 The Sun Was in My Eyes; The Perfect
Circle; Previews for What Was Supposed to be This Week
08/09/99 Has the Mud Changed the World?;Talkin'
FBI Paranoia Blues; Classic Rock, Have We Had Enough?
08/16/99 Too tired to write a description,
I'll hit it next week (still can't think of one)
09/06/99 Looking forward to Y2K; The Family
Banjo; New Religion: Buddh-Lite; Did I Miss a Meeting?;Urgent Care, Classic
Rock
09/2099 An Upfront Apology; Muscle Car Blues;
Endless Summer; The Fall Television Preview
10/04/99 Okay, Here's the Deal; Thanks Everybody,
for Not Sending Any Weed; Gather T. Opens Up the Reader Mail Bag
12/31/99 Gather T. Swanson's Greatest Hits
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