Grab a cup of mud, sit back and enjoy yourself for a few minutes before you get involved with your duties as a responsible worker bee on this crazy spinning basketball we call "Earth" (Some credit must be given to Eddie Van Halen for that heavy basketball/Earth metaphor ).
Welcome to the debut of "Monday Mud," a new online column brought to you courtesy of Rough Fish Web Publishing Inc., a Division of the Rough Fish World Empire, the Leading Voice in Nonprofit Media Domination. Let's take a moment for a brief orientation that may answer a few of your questions....
Why is the column called Monday Mud?
Good question, good question...let me start
out by explaining the proposed schedule for the column. As if I don't have
enough to do, I've taken it upon myself to have a column ready for working
stiffs like yourself each and every Monday morning as a gesture of goodwill.
I know how tough it is to put in a full week and I know how quickly weekends
can fly by, so why not treat yourself to a couple good laughs while using
your company's super fast Internet resources on company time while drinking
a good cup of mud provided by your employer. Sure, it may seem a little
like stealing but believe me, all your friends are doing it, and on top
of that, some of them are surfing for porn, believe me, I know.
So, it's updated on...Monday?
R-i-i-i-i-i-ght!
And Mud is..........?
Mud is coffee.....
What?
Mud is coffee.....is that too obscure?
I've never heard anyone call coffee "mud".
Damn....
Is it too late to change the name of the
column?
Well..................shit...you see that graphic at the top of the page?
Yeah?
Well, I spent all fuckin' day working in Photoshop on it and, well, it looks
pretty cool...you think it's cool?
Yeah, it's way cool but can't you change
the text?
Well, I was working in "Layers" and the goddamn thing was, like
80 megs or something, and my computer was running so fuckin' slow it was
really ...
How much RAM do you have?
128 megs
WOW!
Yeah, I mean, that's what gets me, it sure seems like it should smoke on
something like that...
Yeah, it's not like you're doing Industrial
Light & Magic animation or anything!
EXACTLY! That's what I mean...
Did you save a copy before you flattened
the image?
Well...the thing is...I usually do, but my hard drive was full of MP3 files
that I've been downloading, I think I'm going to pick up an MP3 player,
Best Buy just had an ad for one, I guess that's what all the college
kids are doing.
You should just store 'em on MiniDisc, that's
what I do.
Yeah, that's what ...hey, what the fuck....??????????? Let's get back to
the column, you can e-mail me later about that MiniDisc deal, that sounds
like the way to go.
Fuckin' right! So, I guess the column name
is gonna stay?
Yeah, unless you wanna come down and recreate that image!
I'm not the idiot who didn't save a backup
copy in layers!
Why don't you stick a MaxiDisc up yer...
That's MiniDisc!
Back to the column please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So every Monday, huh?
Ok, maybe that's a little ambitious, I'm sure I'll skip a week here and
there.
I'll bet you won't even make the deadline
on the 2nd week.
Oh, you think so?
Yeah, I know who you are, the guy with the
big plans.
Who have you been talking too?
I've been gettin' around, I've heard a few
things.
You wanna put some money on this?
I'll bet Falwell's gonna shut you down by
the end of the month, I ain't wasting a dime on any wager.
Look, if Jerry Falwell has enough time on his hands to read this stupid
column....
Look what he's doing about the Teletubbies.
What....? What the fuck is a Teletubby?
You know, that creepy kid show on Channel
2, those bizarre little freaks with TVs in their stomachs.
Get out! What?????????????
Yeah, they're different colors, kind of like
iMacs, they remind me of something out of a Night Gallery episode or something,
I'm a full grown man, heck, I was a Navy SEAL and I've woke up in a cold
sweat dreaming about those things.
And what's Falwell's problem with these things?
Guess one of 'em's gay.
WHAT????????? I'm sure...not that there's anything wrong with that.
Guess one of 'em carries a purse....one of
the dudes...and the TV in his stomach? Only shows Bette Midler Movies.
all right, let me apologize to all the readers out there for hosing up our
debut. Due to some difficulty in our Q&A section, I'm afraid you might
get the wrong impression about the content that you will see in the future.
We had no intention for it to be of such a profane nature, and again, I
apologize, let's try a new set of questions and get back on track (new set
of questions will be a different color).
Why are you doing this?
A friend of mine suggested it, I love to write, but in a non linear and
unstructured fashion. The Internet is filled with millions of pages of useless
crap so maybe my stuff won't look so bad. I used to send out a humorous
newsletter for no apparent reason other than to spill my guts and try to
entertain people and, oh yeah, announce upcoming gigs for a band. I loved
doing the newsletter, writing it was fun and easy but logistically it took
a lot of extra hours and, though not a fortune, producing it cost more than
it brought in, since it didn't bring in any money. With the Internet, there
is just the online account to pay for and hopefully a chance for more people
to tap into it.
Who is Gather T. Swanson?
Just a man, a man with a dream, a man who likes to write unique pieces of
humor in hopes of finding people who appreciate it, are uplifted in some
way, who follow his teachings like any good cultists do, perhaps they'll
send checks payable to Rough Fish Inc. PO Box 21066 Minneapolis, MN 55421,
a man who has decided to use a pen name for various reasons.
What topics will be covered in this column?
Mostly nonsense and dry humor about many different things...perhaps a fictional
account of Jesse Ventura running for reelection in 2002, a window shopping
journey to a guitar store at lunchtime, details about Open Box deals at
Best Buy with tips on how to confuse the salespeople, some light political
satire, a lot of jokes about figures in the entertainment industry, things
I saw on TV, beautiful and grotesque portraits of human nature. Things like
that....you can leave now if you want but if you stay, I'll make it worth
your while.
How much will this cost me?
How much you got? (ooops, just a little guitar store humor, anyone ever
been to B Sharp Music in Nordeast Minneapolis?) Nothing, it's free.
But, if you have a moment I'd like to talk to you about Jesus....(just kidding!)
So, that's it for this week, see you next Monday!
Please send any questions, concerns or comments to carp18@aol.com
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
