"Okay, so I had a cup of coffee."
--- Gandhi
"Damn!"
I'm running as fast as I can to get to the doors before 9:00 and think there might be a minute or so but I'm not sure, I can't twist my arm to look at my watch because of the heavy, brushed aluminum ice skate carrying case that's handcuffed to my wrist.
I burst into the Rough Fish World Empire lobby panting like a guy who doesn't exercise much and look up at the digital clock behind the guard desk.
8:59 is what the clock shows and it looks like I've squeaked by one more time.
The guard, Frank Gaudamski , looking pissed as usual throws down the latest issue of Security Guard Monthly, stands up and walks toward me.
"Yo Frank, any good articles this month or do you just look at the pictures?"
"%@#$ ?%% Swanson, as a matter of fact, I was just in the middle of an informational piece called 20 Watertight Alibis to Use After You Accidentally Shoot a Smart Ass in the Line of Duty."
"Ouch! Right in the line of duty, huh?"
Frank laughs because he's pretty sure I cracked another joke but probably won't be sure till some time in the middle of the night. He signals for me to undo the handcuff from my wrist and raise my hands above my head. Actually, he told me to verbally but I just didn't feel like typing quotation marks again.
I said "Frank, is this really necessary? You know I wouldn't try to sneak anything past you."
As he frisked me he said "Gather T., you know I trust you but I have my orders, besides, ever since that incident in '79 I just don't take chances."
"You're going to have to refresh my memory, I get the feeling I've heard the story but you may have told it to me when I wasn't paying attention."
"You mean to tell me you don't pay attention to my stories?"
"What?"
"Okay, back in '79 I was working the desk when the janitor crew came rolling in at 4:59. I always looked forward to chatting with a couple of them, one in particular, a nice kid named Peter Duncan. Always had a smile and a good clean joke, must'a blow-dried his hair for an hour every day and always wore a smart gold chain around his neck, nothing showy like that guy from the A-Team."
I stood there nodding and smiling like Robin Leach, watching Frank's mouth move but mostly I was only hearing buzzing noises and an occasional pop culture reference.
"So, Ol' Pete signed in, we talked about the families and how fun it would be to kick the Ayatollah's ass. Talked about that great new domed stadium they were building downtown and how great it would be to finally watch baseball without all that damn fresh air around you. I gave him his pass key and he marched down the hallway whistling that song from that old Disney movie ... what the hell was that called again?"
"Umm ... blue?"
"So I look on the desk and notice Pete had left his lunch bag sittin' there. I was about to page him over the intercom, which I always loved doing, but, I was kind of curious to see what a guy like that eats, see what puts that spring in his step, plus, I was bored out of my skull and the Larry King show wasn't on for another 6 hours."
Little did Frank know but I'd been moving my feet a couple centimeters every few minutes getting ready to make my break,
"So, it was no big surprise but the entree was your traditional peanut butter and jelly sandwich, ahh, just a big kid that Pete was! Sure he was grown with a wife and kid of his own but he wasn't too long in tooth to enjoy a good PBJ! Next, I pulled out a Tupperware® container of soup, I wasn't sure what kind it was at first but once I tasted it I knew it was corn chowder, my favorite! I chuckled as I pulled out a package of Ho-Ho's, wait, there were 3 packages of them, the kid must have a sweet tooth I was thinkin'. Then I noticed 6 packages of Twinkies, a few of those apple pies, some Ding Dongs, a baker's dozen of Pecan Sandies in Saran Wrap and a can of Mountain Dew. Then at the bottom of this bag there was a little wooden box with a sliding top."
Suddenly I was listening and hanging on every word. "Gee Frank," I nervously asked, "what the heck do you suppose that was?" I nonchalantly turned the heel of my boot, reached inside the hollowed out compartment and palmed a little wooden box with a sliding top. I coughed loudly as I flicked the box over in the direction of a big potted plant. It landed perfectly in the soil as I was hoping it would."
"Well Gather T., I didn't know what it was at first. There were some markings on the bottom that said Dug-Out. I slid the top over and this little spring loaded brass bat came jumpin' out, scared the hell out of me! Pete was a big baseball fanatic so I thought it was some kind of portable game or something. Then I noticed the thing reeked to high heaven, it had a hole machined right through it but it seemed to be clogged for some reason. Then I noticed a separate compartment, thought maybe that's where you kept the little baseballs or whatever."
"And ... was it?"
"Not quite, I tipped the thing upside down and guess what came tumbling down all over my nice clean desk?"
"Umm ... little baseballs?"
"Nope ... marijuana."
"No $*+~!"
"No $*+~, must'a been a pound of the stuff, what a mess, stems, seeds, the whole works."
"Wow, it's funny he didn't clean it before he filled it up, must be why the thing was clogged, it seems like stems and seeds would take up ...." Frank was glaring at me " ... um, so what the heck did you do then? Put everything back? Pretend it never happened? Go into repressed memory mode?"
"No, I tracked him down and shot him."
"WHAT??????????????"
"I had to, I couldn't have some doped-up janitor running around on my watch. Crazy punk might'a jumped out of a broom closet with a shiv. Naw, I couldn't tolerate that so I put a few caps in his sorry ass, put the gun in his hand and told the investigators that he swiped my weapon while I was sleeping in one of the back offices and then threatened my life. It's no big deal, we do it all the time ... so what's in the case?"
Corrections and other notes from last
week...
%@#$ instead of @%*$
<!$~![$ instead of ^#!@(*#!
Also, there are some bugs in Sgt. Snorkel's Secret Code, do not substitute $ for D or K, these are incorrect and could cause you some embarassment. An updated code will be posted shortly (\^!*, /*^; ]?;$^\$ %=\ ?@~ ?% }\ !$$).
Professional Columnists Influenced by the Mud?
A colleague of mine noticed a striking similarity between last week's (03/08/99)
story of Everett "Spence" Spencer, the guardian
angel of Styro circle cutting and Dennis Anderson's Strib
column, you be the judge ...
... It worked out ok for me though because I copped his coffee mug and since he had left the keys for his car, I took that too. It wasn't the greatest, a '78 Plymouth Volaré wagon but it got me around for a few years.
...Your gruff but lovable guardian angel, Spence ... oh, and how's the car runnin'? Those slant-sixes'll run forever, have a good weekend!"
Rumor Has It, It's True
And while we're on the topic of possible
influences, fellow Rough Fish World Empire indentured servants Carp
18 (still in Phase I of their breakup process) are anxiously
awaiting the new album from the Honeydogs which contains a cut entitled
Red Dye #40. Hmmm, the title sounds suspiciously similar to a Carp
18 song called Yellow Dye #5 which can be heard on the band's debut
album Russian Racehorse. Let's just hope Adam can keep his
dignity and surpass the complex riffing of the Carp's grand opus. There
are a handful of copies left so order yours through the Midwest Underground
today!
By the way, if anyone does actually order Carp 18's Russian Racehorse through this link please email carp18@aol.com and let us know. We have a bet going at the office and it would just sort of help us out.
Speaking of Yellow
Dye #5
Since I'm spending so much time talking
about this song that too few people have had the pleasure of hearing, why
not share a few fun facts that were bestowed on me when I was cornered by
the band one night. Unlike many of Carp 18's stories, these ones are true
... rumor has it, yeah, rumor has it they're true.
But enough about Carp 18, see you next Monday!
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
Monday Mud 02/15/99 Orientation
Monday Mud 02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy
Ocean & EBay
Monday Mud 03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's
Secret Code, Ruby Tuesday's
Monday Mud 03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging
Coffee At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
Please send any questions, concerns or comments to carp18@aol.com
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
