"I gig, therefore I am."
--- Eddie Money
Medina Ballroom
After Frank was done examining the contents of the case I closed it up and reattached the handcuff to my wrist. He ran immediately to his desk and started jotting down the combination to the case which I knew he had seen as I dialed it up.
He had been peering over my shoulder, as if I couldn't tell, so I pulled an old trick I learned from a KARE 11 News Extra on how to keep people from learning your pin number at ATMs .... I started humming that old hit from Tommy Tutone, the one where he sees that girl's number on a bathroom wall. It's been pretty effective from my personal experience, I haven't memorized one pin number yet ... think I'll start carrying a notebook.
So before Frank buzzed me through the first security door he said "Gather T., the boss wants to see you, I think it has something to do with the low ratings of Monday Mud."
As I walked down the corridor I could hear Frank muttering "8675309 ... damn! that's 7 digits!"
"Oh Jenny, Jenny, who do I turn to?" I know I'll have that one running through my head for the rest of the night.
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The last thing I need tonight is a meeting with the old man. I've got 3 hours to finish my column and I don't even know what I'm going to write about. It's funny how I find myself in that position week after week, hmmm, wonder if I should try writing earlier in the week. The quality control folks on my day job would certainly be happy, I'm up to a 63% scrap rate on Mondays now and I think they're getting wise to my moonlighting.
I was afraid the ratings issue would come up, it's my 6th week and I'm not sure if we're even doing 100 hits a week, it's a good thing they don't know I've been hitting reload everytime I call the page up in Netscape which scabs on another hit on the odometer .... or ...do they??????????
$*+~, I'll bet they've programmed something with cookies to see who's been hitting the site and they know it's just been me!
I guess things used to be pretty loose at Rough Fish Inc. until the merger when they brought in the old man, C. Moss Hauggue, probably the meanest <!$-A[$ you'd ever meet. When it comes to robber baron boss-types, this guy makes Monty Burns look like Mr. Carlson from WKRP in Cincinnati. I know I'm gonna get grilled when I meet with him and he doesn't buy any <@==$*+~ so I gotta think of of something real quick because that's about all I got on me.
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"Dead fish walkin'!" I see one of the guys from Carp 18 running with an aquarium net heading to the men's room.
"No, you mean dead fish swimmin'" retorts one of the other band members with a smirk of self amusement.
It seems like a constant battle to come up with the punchline that could be the next album title or something. I can tolerate their $*+~ for a few minutes here or there but I'm definitely not in the mood for it tonight.
Then the third one emerges from their blue lit practice lair and makes a comment but it sounds like nothing more than a reptilian gurgle.
I can't say that I know them by name, I tend to get them mixed up, all I know is that they're all devilishly handsome and they all have special skills that, when put together, create quite a talented team, similar in a way to the central characters from Hogan's Heroes. It's funny that they never seem to have any gigs though. I've asked around and no one's quite sure if they've ever had one.
Apparently they've been working pretty hard for the upcoming recording of their 2nd CD and I've seen them leaving the office either on Cloud 9 or ready to send %@#$ \?@ emails to each other in the morning.
Their first effort, Russian Racehorse (a solid debut disc that rocks as hard as it bobs, and twangs as sweetly as it croons-Jim Walsh, St Paul Pioneer Press) was recorded over the course of 5 years but almost all tracks being done in one take ( ... has a perfectly slapdash feel to it and is filled with equally slapdash homespun wisdom, modern-life lamentations, moments of real poignancy ... -Jim Walsh, St. Paul Pioneer Press) and while a bit intoxicated (... and at least one ode to the bliss of beer.-Jim Walsh, St. Paul Pioneer Press).
I have to admit, I've listened to the record (which I ordered through Midwest Underground simply by clicking on a graphic identical to the one below) ...
... and I find it quite enjoyable. Funny thing is, after I listen to it, I don't feel like doing a damn thing. That "slapdash" quality just sort of rubs off on you just don't find it worth the effort to try too hard at anything.
The game plan on the next release is to record it in about 5 days and maybe do some second takes to slick it up a bit. A plan like that requires some pre-production time and apparently that's what's going on with the band at this time.
"Good evening gentleman." I say in a polite tone . "I've actually got a message here that concerns some business that pertains to our work together." I reach down to the brushed aluminum ice skating case and brush off some of the dirt then stand back up and fish a crumpled up laser printout from my pocket.
One of the band members is holding a can of beer at arm's length squinting a bit like people do before they get their first pair of bifocals.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Oh, I was just trying to read the top of the can, trying to see if it's 3.2." he replied.
"Well, I've got a note here from Mei Young, local music supporter and sexy late night DJ from KQ."
"Wow, I love her sultry voice, hey, Have you guys ever seen what Terri Traen looks like?" queried one of them only to bring on a slew of jabbering about what various female DJs look like.
"Has anyone ever heard that news lady on KFAI in the morning who shlurrs all her eshhes like thish? And in Boshnia thish week ..."
"Guys?" I interrupted "Can I just finish with this and get the %@#$ outta here? Anyway, this is in response to notices we've sent out about the Monday Mud..."
"What's the Monday Mud?"
"It's the weekly column we've added to your web site to, somehow, boost sales of your CD and announce any of your upcoming gigs."
"What happened to the Catch O' the Day? That seemed pretty good."
"There hasn't been an issue since June of '98 when you announced your breakup."
"We're breaking up?"
"OK, I really gotta go. Mei's response is ..."
"I loved reading the "catch!" Good to know you are still releasing your weird humor! Thanks for the info....
-Mei"
"Wow, that's great! But I don't get the part about weird humor. Hey, let's not break up, let's hang together, let's do it for Mei"
Enough about Carp 18, let's get back to me and my problems.
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I pick up my case and continue on my way, I have an aversion to those who can't focus and get to the point. It's not that I have anything against musicians, I was an aspiring musician myself and understand the complexities and the art of the struggle. Sure, it may sound like I'm bitter when I make wise about the likes of Deep Purple, Billy Ocean, Billy Squire, Eddie Money, Jay Fergusen, Carp 18 ... oh yeah, and Tommy Tutone, but I'm not. In fact, I respect them, there's a delicate balance between artistic integrity and commercial success, oh yeah, commercial success, cross out Carp 18 from that list. And since I mentioned artistic integrity maybe you should cross out the rest of them, let's just pretend I said Bob Dylan.
Maybe it's time I told the story of my musical career so I can gain your trust and confidence. But first, I have to eat some crow concerning my sarcastic jabs at Deep Purple and their hit song "Smoke on the Water" from issue Monday Mud 02/22/99. Recently I was thumbing through the April issue of Guitar magazine when I noticed an interview with Ritchie Blackmore, one of the founding members of Deep Purple. Normally I wouldn't even read that especially when there's an article called "Surviving a Lesson with SLASH" on page 42 but I figured I owed it to the Ritchmeister to hear what he had to say for himself.
Lo, and behold, coincidence galore, he explains the story behind Smoke on the Water! Now, I know there are probably laws against me just lifting passages right out of a copyrighted magazine but I noticed we had 66 hits on Monday Mud last week and I'm just gonna take my chances and bet that there aren't any lawyers from Cherry Lane Magazines, LLC that will be sitting down with a little Monday Mud today. I can't be too hasty on the odds though. A few months ago I taped a Vikings game and then , without the written consent of the NFL, charged a bunch of people 6 bucks a head to watch it later at my house. I never thought in a million years I'd get busted for that one but the damn doorbell rings and it's frickin' John Madden asking for directions to Austin, MN! Well, it could have been ugly but after splitting the 36 bucks with him and loading him up with Pizza Rolls, some Hot Pockets and a six-pack of Hamms, everything turned out hunky-dory. Oh, so here's Ritchie:
"...However, we did get kicked out of our first studio, where we laid down the backing track to "Smoke on the Water." We had too many complaints from the neighbors for making noise so the police threw us out. (note from Gather T.: reminds me of the time in 7th grade when I fried out the tweeters in my Dad's stereo speakers by playing above mentioned riff at full blast, luckily he never noticed, I guess Mantovani sounds just as good with no high end).
The story goes on about using the Rolling Stones' Mobile recording unit and the fact that there was two feet of snow outside (they were in Switzerland) and without any explanation, Frank Zappa is playing a set ...
"We were sitting there watching Frank Zappa play and suddenly someone had one of those flare guns (note from Gather T,: I think this is that part where he sings "some stupid with a flare gun" which, always sounded funny to me, especially since it sounds like someone's squeezing his nads while he sings it) and decided to let it off. It set the roof on fire. Frank turned around and said. "now everybody calm down." He then threw down his guitar and jumped out the window. It was quite funny. He wanted to be the first one out. We then had about 15 minutes before the place was gutted, which was frightening."
It surprised me that Ritchie had a good sense of humor as he shares some fascinating guitar-care tips as well. (at least, I think he's being light):
"....interestingly, with the Taylor (note from Gather T,: Taylor is a real nice, expensive guitar that I, personally, wouldn't store vegetables in) you have to watch the weather. Put a potato in your guitar case overnight; cut it in half and it hydrates the guitar. Taylors are very light, so they need the moisture. The potato does the same thing as a humidifier, but it also has the benefit of being a conversation piece. (note from Gather T. I guess it gets lonely out on the road) And it's guaranteed to get you stopped at airport customs for at least four hours. They take you to the side, look at the potato in the case and say, "What?" You've got a potato?" Then they destroy it and take it away and analyze it. Especially if you go through Canada."
I'm not sure what to make of all this but if I ever sold a guitar to Ritchie I'd say "You want fries with that?"
Damn, just when I was about to reveal my background as a rock & roll soldier I see it's time to go. But first, it's time to see the boss.
I knock on the door and it slowly creaks open (automatic opener) and in the dimly lit room I spot C. Moss Hauggue sitting behind a huge mahogany desk.
"Good evening Gather T. ... what's in the case?"
Notes from last previous issues...
See you next Monday!
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
Monday Mud 02/15/99 Orientation
Monday Mud 02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy
Ocean & EBay
Monday Mud 03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's
Secret Code, Ruby Tuesday's
Monday Mud 03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging
Coffee At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
Monday Mud, The Ides of March, The Never Ending
Story Part 1, Corrections and Influences
Please send any questions, concerns or comments to carp18@aol.com
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
