"As a special April Fool's Day treat, we are offering our first "Mudtest" (that's like a contest except the prizes are pretty shitty). The first person to email us at carp18@aol.com and correctly identify the movie from the list below which is an "actual summer release for 1999" will receive a free copy of Carp 18's "Russian Racehorse."
The second person with the correct answer will receive 2 of the CDs, third will receive 3, fourth will receive 4, and so on and so on till we reach number 10. The lucky winner in the 10-spot will receive a copy of Jewel's latest CD, whatever the fuck it's called, I don't know, I'm so desperate and lonely writing this stupid column that I'll just run out and buy the fuckin' thing for ya!
This contest expires at 11:59 PM April 4th, 1999
ATTENTION ARCHIVE READERS!
Nobody won this contest, stay tuned for some
easier ones in the near future!
Joan of Arc Lights up the Dark
Walt Disney Studios is proud to present a carefully market-researched fully animated spectacle aimed at parents with daughters. It's the story of a brave young gal full of piss & vinegar who defies the odds and ends up with everything at stake.
A rousing soundtrack filled with the "soon to be classic" Disney Sing-alongs such as "Might as well Make it Medium-well, You're the One Going to Hell," "Well Done Joan, Well Done!" the antiwar anthem "Feels Like this War's Gonna Last 100 Years" and the lovely ballad "Somewhere."
Features the voice talents of Eddie Murphy as the wise-cracking visionary spirit of St. Michael, Roseanne Barr as the sarcastic visionary spirit of St. Catherine, Jeremy Irons as the evil Bishop of Beauvais, and Hank Hill as the magical flying stake who saves Joan's life at the last second, rocketing her to freedom while singing a country ballad with Willie Nelson, "Not Only Do Them English Have Bad Teeth, They Should'a Used Propane."
Exclusive toy merchandising deal has been struck with Snuffy's BBQ Shack.
John the Baptist, the Wonder Years
Walt Disney Studios is proud to present a carefully market-researched fully animated spectacle aimed at parents with sons. It's the story of a brave young boy full of piss & vinegar who defies the odds and gains the confidence of his peers when he returns from the wilderness decked out in a fancy camel hair suit ready to start his work in the River Jordan.
A rousing soundtrack filled with the "soon to be classic" Disney Sing-alongs such as "Me Name is John," "Think I'll Order the Platter" and the beautiful ballad "Somewhere." The soundtrack CD features Sublime's remake of "Rivers of Babylon", which, doesn't fit historically but should be good for CD sales.
Features the voice talents of James Woods as John the Baptist, John Turturro as his pal Jesus, Jeremy Irons as the evil Herod, Kathleen Turner as the seductive Salome and Beavis & Butthead as the Locusts who help John escape the wrath of the executioner.
Exclusive toy merchandising deal has been struck with Long John Silver's Fish & Chips featuring the John the Baptist Platter.
Adam & Eve, the Puppy Love Years
Walt Disney Studios is proud to present a carefully market-researched fully animated spectacle aimed at parents with daughters and sons. It's the story of a brave young gal and boy full of piss & vinegar who defy the odds and find that love conquers all.
A rousing soundtrack filled with the "soon to be classic" Disney Sing-alongs such as "How Do 'ya Like Them Apples", "Oh Baby Don't it Feel Like Eden Tonight", "That Ain't a Snake" and the beautiful ballad "Somewhere."
Features the voice talents of Jerry Van Dyke as the Timid Lion, Steve Jobs as the Talking Apple, Bebe Neuwirth as Lilith and Jeremy Irons as the Evil Serpent (John Malkovich's voice was used originally, but nobody could understand his exaggerated Yugoslavian accent).
Exclusive toy merchandising deal has been struck with Baker's Square featuring the Adam & Eve Forbidden Apple Pie Happy Meal.
Blowed Up Real Good
The two bib-overalled hayseeds from the old SCTV series play federal detectives on the trail of the Unabomber. Starring Joe Flaherty and John (I Fill in for Fat Guys) Goodman. Directed by Harold Ramis.
Funny Guy
Steve Buscemi
plays a "heart on his sleeve" humorist who writes a weekly online
humor column for no pay other than the rewards of making people laugh. Two
beautiful, faithful readers (played by Sandra Bullock and Sherylin
Fenn) both fall madly in love with him and when he can't decide between
the two, they work out an arrangement as a 3-way couple.
Soundtrack by Carp 18 (packaged under the title "Russian Racehorse").
Monica's Story
Experimental film technique with the camera positioned 3 feet from the floor recounts Monica Lewinsky's torrid affair with the President starring Neve Campbell and Darryl Hammond.
Produced by Darryl Hammond.
Beavis & Butthead's "Wag the Weenie"
Satirical look at the recent White House Scandal in which Butthead plays the President, Monica is played by Daria and in Beavis plays the multiple roles of Kenneth Starr, Hillary Clinton, Linda Tripp, Sadam Hussein, Vernon Jordan, Al Gore and himself.
Exclusive toy marketing deal has been struck with Der Wienerschnitzel.
Leave it to Beavis
Animated revival of the "Leave it to Beaver" series starring Hank Hill, Wilma Flintstone, Butthead and Beavis as "the Beavis".
Black Hole
A brilliant scientist (John Malkovich with a strong German accent) discovers that the Earth is quickly being drawn into a black hole. Funny thing, is nobody believes him because his accent is too exaggerated so he's forced to take action without the help of any government!
According to his calculations, there is less than 24 hours to assemble a team to send up to fill the black hole with a substance he has invented called "EBD" (Einstein's Black Dirt).
Black dirt contractor Buck Ennay (Bruce Willis) is pulled from his job to round up the motliest gang of black dirt spreaders (Clint Howard, Vanilla Ice, Brian Bosworth etc ....) ever to hit the cosmos.
Armed only with shovels and sheer strength, the motley team overpower the guards at NASA, swipe the Space Shuttle Columbia, fill the cargo bay with EBD, blast off, find the black hole and start shoveling!
Champagne Supernova
A gang of horny college students heading to the Padres Islands take a wrong turn and end up saving the world from the "Big Gulp" the black hole that nearly sucks up the Earth.
Armed only with a Volkswagen Golf, a few
bucks, an Apple G3 Powerbook, a trunkful of Trojans and a
stack of CDs by Sugar Ray, Eve 6 and Carp 18;
Trey, Tanner & Puck pick up three scantily dressed hitchhikers
Sharona, Shirelle and Siren .
While short on cash and low on fuel they steal some gas from a farmer's field with intention of paying it back when they get home. Little do they know, they've just tapped into a source of experimental space fuel that converts "Farfugnugen" into "Farfromhomen!"
Soon finding themselves in space heading toward the Big Gulp, this amazing group of young people learn about teamwork, discipline and most of important of all, hedonistic pleasure in cramped spaces!
Thanks to the new and improved versatility of USB
(universal serial bus) the gang figures out away to connect the Apple
Powerbook to the fuel injection system of the Volkwagen Golf;
next they fill their remaining Trojans with the experimental space
fuel, send them floating toward the Big Gulp and prepare for detonation
by sticking their Fosgate-powered subwoofer system out the hatch
and playing tracks 9-12 (Yellow Dye #5, Man on a Mission, I Luv Luv
and Hauswärming Party) from Carp 18's critically acclaimed
CD Russian Racehorse then haul booty back to Earth.
By the time the phone is hitting its last ring on Hauswärming Party, the Big Gulp is nothing but a dim memory. Of course, that leaves time for the closing credits which is a perfect time to reveal the hidden track, Unlisted Number from the above-mentioned CD. The lyrics don't have a lot to do with the plot but they usually don't on the closing credits song.
Event Horizon "not the one with Sam Neill"
This potential summer blockbuster was tagged with a quick subtitle after it was discovered by film execs that there was a 1997 release called "Event Horizon" which wasn't exactly a big hit. It was too expensive to reprint everything with a new title so a quickly-assembled production crew equipped with black Sharpies got to work adding the subtitle "not the one with Sam Neill" to all printed materials related to the film.
Tom Hanks pulls off an Oscar-worthy performance as President Tom Hanks who must choose between flawlessly running the country with dignity and honor (he's true to his wife) or volunteering for a space mission that only he can complete.
It seems that there is a black hole swallowing up the universe and the only person capable of saving the world is President Hanks who knows how to manipulate the black hole's intensity (he was an excellent science student) but, for some reason, can't really explain it to anyone else, even though he's usually really good at explaining things to people.
Gwyneth Palthrow puts in an Oscar-worthy portrayal as the loving, gentle, yet complex First Lady Constance Hanks who must persuade her husband to follow his heart. The President works closely with the wacky but lovable scientist Dr. Serious (in a surprise Oscar-worthy performance by Yahoo Serious) and they come up with a plan involving nicotine-filled eggs which gives them a 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000 chance that he could complete his mission and return to to earth to finish his term as a really excellent president.
Can he do it?
The Bending of Starlight "The Musical"
Just months after Einstein published his work on his Theory of Gravitation, Karl Schwarzschild (1916) found one solution to Einstein's equations: the curvature due to a massive nonrotating spherical object. As he is about to reveal his theory, he rips off a tear-away laboratory outfit and breaks into song & dance!
The original cast of Rent is featured in this rousing musical that blends choreography with Black Hole Astrophysics. As you leave the theater you'll be humming the timeless melodies of such numbers as "Let's Make Time for Spacetime," the tongue-twisting humor of "The Anomalous Advance of the Erihelion" and the reflective "I've Exhausted All My Nuclear Fuel".
This Old Moon
Bob Villa and Norm Abrahms are reunited for this Sci-Fi adventure as two contractors who are sent to the moon to prepare for colonization due to earth's overpopulation.
Norm, supplied only with a hammer and nails, and Bob supplied with an arsenal of Sears Craftsman tools land on the moon and begin renovation. Every 14 days they are visited by a wacky materials supplier played by Christopher Lloyd and a cameo by Jim Carrey as a talking black hole.
Gilligan's Hell Hole
Kevin Costner wrote, directed and stars in this post-apocalyptic action adventure epic based loosely on the 60's television series Gilligan's Island. He plays the part of Thorax Gilligan, a former CIA strongman and celebrity bodyguard.
After the the U.S. mainland is destroyed by Kosovoan cruise missiles, Thorax must transport a group of civilians chosen to be the most essential humans for the rebuilding of humanity to a secret man-made island located roughly 3 hours from Hawaii in the Space Shuttle Minnow. Due to the passing of a black star in the cosmos overhead, the tiny ship was tossed about in the ionosphere before making its descent back to Earth, jamming all the high-tech electronic equipment on board.
After making an emergency landing in a tropical storm, Thorax finds himself stranded on a remote island with software tycoon Billy "Gatemouth" Brown III (Chris Kataan), his lovely wife Courtney Lovey (Courtney Love), a professor with an unintelligible Norwegian accent (John Malkovich), Thorax's incompetent superior officer known simply as Skipper (Charles Durning), a beautiful and brilliant agricultural expert from Kansas who specializes in coconuts know as Sweet Jane (Sandra Bullock), and the sexy Hollywood starlet simply known as Nova (Nicole Kidmann with a wig).
Battling malaria and a wacky Japanese sub commander (Gedde Watanabe) who's stuck in the lagoon, the castaways find that love and friendship conquer all. Members of the rock band Weezer make a cameo appearance as The Mosquitoes.
Dudley Do-Right
Starring Brendan Fraser as the, not so bright, Canadian Mountie. Also starring Sarah Jessica Parker as Nell, Alfred Molina as Snidely Whiplash, Robert Prosky as Inspector Fenwick and featuring cameos by Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford.
My Mother the Car
Starring Ray Ramano as (in the part made famous by Jerry Van Dyke) Dave Crabtree, a lawyer who buys a car which turns out to contain the spirit of his reincarnated mother. To make matters worse, Dave develops a fear of performing in the courtroom and can only do so while sleepwalking and playing the banjo. Also starring Dabney Coleman as the sinister Captain Bernard Mancini and Doris Roberts as a talking '81 Chevy Citation
Bewitched, the Groovy Movie
In this "Ultra-lounge" meets the "Psychedelic 60's" retro fest, we find Jim Carrey as the martini-swilling ad exec/lounge lizard Darrin Stevens who falls in love with groovy hippie-chick Samantha (Nicole Kidmann with a wig) and must learn to deal with her wacky acid-dropping relatives while trying to appear "straight" in the uptight suburban community of New Rochelle.
Also stars Roseanne Barr as Endora, Dabney Coleman as Larry Tate, and Christopher Lloyd as Dr. Bombay.
Hey Arnold! The Movie
Nickelodeon Studios stitch together a few vaguely related episodes from the television series to equal about 65-70 minutes.
Trivia fact! The part of Harold is played by Demitri Snorkelopagus III, the grandson of Sgt. Snorkel!
Exclusive toy marketing deal has been struck with Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack.
Herman, the Reluctant Sperm Cell
Dreamworks Pictures present the computer-animated tale of young Herman (voice of Howie Mandell) a shy, slow swimmer who can dream of nothing more than winning the big race to the egg. The kind, venerable sperm cell Spitz (voice of James Earl Jones) has been there and back and shares his wisdom with young Herman.
Dukezilla
Inspired by the Coors commercial where John Wayne's head appears to be 3 times the size of that of the drill sergeant. Dukezilla goes on a spree of destruction smashing everything he views as "Un-American" including Japanese imports, home recording studios, cell phones, Internet Service Providers, home theater systems, condoms (they're pretty hard to smash though) and MP3 Players.
...ok, I think you've had enough!
Happy April Fool's!
Good luck and we'll see you next Monday!
(or will we?)
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
Please send any questions, concerns or lawsuits to carp18@aol.com
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
