This week you're all in for a bit of a surprise. Since we've reached "official cult status" the road ahead becomes a bit more complex ... it's like ... another turning point, a fork stuck in the road ... it's almost as if ... times takes you by the wrist and ...heck ... tells you where to go.
I find myself at a crossroads artistically, jeez, 100 hits, I never intended to be this successful and I'm having a hard time dealing with it so I might as well fess up right now that I've turned to drinking and drugs. Sure I've done it before for various reasons but this time it's purely for artistic reasons. At first there was an element of excitement with the record breaking hits but I awoke one night thinking...
"Have I sold out?"
"Now what do I do, shoot for 200 hits?"
"Will the the faithful, original core of readers burn a Dave Barry dummy on my front lawn? (I'm not even sure if I "get" that one, so please, no email.")
My original plan for the week was to take my choice of assignments from the Rough Fish brass and go for it. I picked one that involved travel and just never got around to packing the car. So here I sit, in no condition to be out on the road, but in plenty good shape for writing an online column for 100 readers. I'll just randomly rant until I pass out and hope that I find no regrets when I read the column myself in the morning...
TV Commercials
The first thing I wanna get off my chest concerns that old bitch in the black dress on those Old Navy commercials. I can't even tell if I'm on drugs or not anymore when I flip on the tube and see her dancing around on a typewriter with a bunch of Malibu Kens and Barbies struttin' their stuff in drawstring shorts. Has anyone seen this? Please email me if you can confirm this sighting so I can make the appropriate arrangements. Somebody stop me if Jerry Seinfeld has covered this, but, do people get bigger eyeglass frames as they get older? One last thing, is it odd that an entire choreographed commercial would be produced just to push one random piece of merchandise? And that the one item would be drawstring shorts? I may own a pair or two but I can assure you, I didn't leave the house with a quest to purchase them. It was purely accidental. Plus, the price seems a bit high doesn't it?
Okay, my next issue concerns Carlotta, the animated talking car on George Corporal's most recent attempt at brilliant advertising. Now, George has been shoveling some pretty weird stuff our way for several years now and I'd have to admit, this is probably better than the footage of a couple Holstein cows talking about Jesse Ventura as they chew their cuds. But, it gets me wondering about a couple things, is it possible that there's now such a thing as "animated clip art"? George can just order it right out of a catalog. or online, and then spends a good liquid lunch writing the script? Probably got a package deal with that little "swish" sound file he uses in that comic moment when he turns his head real quick, raises his finger and says "Now wait a minute!" That one had me rolling on the floor but it might have just been the 13 bong hits doing the laughing. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm on George's side now ever since I saw a KARE 11 exposé on how insurance companies and glass service companies work. From the parts I didn't sleep through, I realized that George is just the slingshot-carrying David fighting the Goliaths of the auto glass industry (hmmmm, I think I smell a script!) Also in his defense, that scene with the two hippies in the VW van with the wavy windshield was pure genius. In addition, my kids' daycare provider is very good friends with the Corporal family and has asked me to quit teaching the kids how to impersonate him. And last but not least, I needed my windshield replaced a few months ago and guess who I called? Let's just say that a few months ago my lovely wife and I were enjoying a bottle of Cabernet and gnawing on a couple of the toughest shoe-leather steaks you've ever seen! Also, there's a 26 pound turkey taking up a ton of space in my freezer right now thanks to:
Oh yeah, that reminds me, I was reading the liner notes to Carp 18's brilliant debut CD Russian Racehorse and couldn't help but notice a photo of George Corporal tucked behind a Post-it® note next to Elvis on the inside spread of the booklet. I'd appreciate any email to verify this, it's almost as intriguing and cryptic as the Beatles' Magical Mystery Tour era heady riddles. If you don't have a copy on hand, you can order one online through The Midwest Music Underground simply by clicking on the blinking graphic below:
The recent Glass Service spots reminded me of some low-budget commercials I used to see as a kid down in Alabama. They were from a Fiat (Fix It Again Tony) lot down in Columbus, Georgia and in a similar technique used in Clutch Cargo cartoons and Conan's Bill Clinton interview segments, a mouth was superimposed onto the front end of some pretty grainy photos of Fiats sitting out in the lot. First of all, let me tell you that the mouth models weren't exactly from the Pearly Whites Casting Agency in fact, they may have been from the Old Yeller Casting Agency if you know what I'm saying. So these Fiats with heavy Southern accents would be saying lines like "Bape Bape" (Beep, beep) "Hey ya'll, why'onch'ya'all come day-own tuh Jr.'s Fee-yhat Lot day-own here in Coh-lumbus, Ah'm from Southern Italy y'all will lahk (like) me just fahn (fine) cuz I'm from Southern Italy mmm-hmmm uh-ree-buh derchci there baby!"......
Pshewww! Sorry, for a second I thought I saw some little people in drawstring shorts dancing on my keyboard. Guess it was just my fingers, you know, flesh color and all....
Alright, this is getting old, one more observation about commercials and it's time to move on. What is going on with the Menards' ads? After years and years of that white-haired old fart with the mouth on the side of his head getting all excited about cheap faucets, they dump the guy and put on the gal in the bib overalls. I'm sorry but I'm just having a hard time making the adjustment. What's the take on this? Is she supposed to be like a Fargo character or something? I was going to call in and voice my concern because I know they've catered to my comments in the past and here's the story in a nutshell (by the way, you may have noticed that I use coconuts for my "in a nutshell stories" instead of the standard walnuts):
A few years ago, before Caller ID was a reality, I picked up the phone and was snagged by a telemarketing surveyor asking endless questions about "home improvement" stores. Luckily, she caught me on one of those rare nights when I had some spare time on my hands and I was getting the feeling that she was "cute" so I did my best to cooperate. After she told me what she was wearing, she started asking real specific questions about Menards and why I didn't like shopping there. I didn't want to to admit the real reason why but she was relentless and backed me into a corner, I finally caved.
"Is there anything, anything at all that Menards could do or change that would change your perception of the store?"
"Well ... there is one thing ... oh never mind."
"What, what is it Gather T? I'm wearing a black Miracle Bra® just like you said you liked, tell me!"
"Okay, okay, it's ... it's just, it's their use of the color orange."
"What?"
"You know, the signs, the vests, the aprons, that old fart's shirt, everything, everything is orange."
"And, what exactly is wrong with orange?"
"I'm not sure, it just makes me feel sort of queasy, I'm not sure why."
"Is there a color you would prefer?"
"Sure, I think blue would be better."
"Well blue it is then Sir, you have my word on it!"
I felt that she was patronizing me but I knew I was in love so I forgave her. But then I realized that it was a forbidden love and I knew it wouldn't work because a love between a telemarketer and some schlubb who just happened to pick up the phone wasn't meant to be so I broke it off with her right then and there.
"Who was on the phone Honey?" my wife asked from the other room.
"Nobody Dear, it was just a phone survey."
A few weeks later, while watching a Twins game on the tube, a Menard's commercial came on and I nearly fell out of my chair....
Our old friend the Menard's pitchman was decked out in a brand new BLUE double-knit shirt!
Pleasantville
I returned Pleasantville to the video store and the clerk asked if I liked it. I admitted that it started out kind of cool but I couldn't figure out the scoop on the Don Knotts character among other things. Plus I thought the visual effects were over rated.
"Did you have your color settings right on your TV?" he asked.
"No, I have a black & white TV" I replied.
10 Disc Changers
A very good invention for the commuter, as you
load up your 10 you feel like some kind of Nick Hornby character
preparing yet another list of your "desert island 10". As a reaction
against predictable radio playlists there's nothing better than throwing
yourself a curve and stocking up on stuff that doesn't flow smoothly on
random shuffle and isn't considered "world class". Here's my 10
for this week:
¶ Archers
of Loaf Vee Vee
¶ Alejandro
Escovedo Thirteen Years
¶ Ron
Wood I've Got My Own Album to Do
¶ Buzzcocks
Operators Manual
¶ You
Got Lucky A Tribute to Tom Petty
¶ Buddy
Holly From the Original Master Tapes
¶ Butthole
Surfers ELECTRICLARRYLAND
¶ James
Brown Cold Sweat and Other Soul Classics
¶ The
Dashboard Saviors Spinning on Down
¶ Vic
Chesnutt Is the Actor Happy?
Damn! They're all oldies ... I might as well just
tune in KOOL 108 again.
The Masters Tournament
I don't know what it is about the final day of the Masters Tournament but it's fitting that it's on Sunday because for me, it's a very religious experience. Here we are in MN housebound by some of the nastiest weather in weeks and through God's miracle of television, we are given an excuse to commit the sin of slothery and sit on our duffs watching people play golf.
Sure, I've doubted the existence of God in the past but today I know there is one and, despite the bumper stickers, he is a guy and he likes golf and probably likes to tip a few too. Like Tom Waits said "There ain't no Devil, that's just God when he's drunk." Oh, yah, I'm sure there's a chick God too so don't get me wrong about the bumper stickers. Oh God, the drawstring dancers are back! (note to self, delete this paragraph before posting to the internet).
So anyway, the weather looked quite heavenly down in Augusta, Georgia today and it sucked here so it was a good day to light a fire, uncork a few bottles of vino, have a few smokes and nod in and out of an exciting round of golf.
Not to say that golf is boring but I as I was pulling out of one my mid afternoon comas it looked like somebody had turned to the History Channel, I thought I was watching the landing crew of Apollo 12 pitching golf balls on the moon but it just turned out to be Greg Norman fighting his way out of another sand trap.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
Please send any questions, concerns or beefs about society to carp18@aol.com
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
