"Mud! Mud! Glorious
mud!
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood.
So, follow me, follow,
Down to the hollow,
And there let us wallow
In glorious mud.
from the "Hippopotamus Song"
by Flanders/Swan ©1952
No, the lyrics above
aren't from an old Doors song but if Jim Morrison had lived
long enough to put out the obligatory "rock star does kids' album"
it probably would have been in that vein. I could file it right behind my
"Mickey Dolenz Scares the Kids to Sleep With His Freaky Mug"
CD that I found in the "used" bin.
Let's get a little bizness outta the way before we delve into this week's pearls of wisdom. First of all, I have to apologize for last week's issue which I'll admit, was a piece of crap. There I was, trying to get all "heavy" about world events and I'm sure it was about as welcome as the "3:00 AM Telethon version of Jerry Lewis" where he goes from trying to stick an SM57 (that's a microphone for all you folks who've never played the Entry) up his nose to pulling off his bow-tie, getting all weepy, then getting medieval on Ed's ass. It's an ugly sight and I vowed to remember it for life.
My job here is pretty straight forward, provide a little Monday morning diversion for the working folks before they "ramp up" for the week. (I had to say "ramp up" because I'm sensing that it's the "buzz" phrase for '99 in the way that "full plate" was all over 1993). Sure it's a lonely job but it's not without its rewards, I have to thank some of my readers for sending me those lovely JPEGs of their tattoos although I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a belly button again in the same way ... YUCK! (for the 99 readers who don't "get it", you can be thankful).
And, it seems as if I'm here for another reason ... something about pushing a certain CD by somebody ...hmmmm .... I'm drawing a blank. Maybe I'll remember later.
And all that nitrous oxide stuff? Fiction, pure fiction. You have to bear in mind that I'm a writer, an artiste. Sure, I had a little emergency meeting with the Rough Fish World Empire staff last Monday evening and they were a bit concerned about the use of "drug humor" in the column. Apparently, one member of Carp 18 (it's a band!) was so shook that he "unsubscribed" from the Mud, it was the first cancellation so naturally I left the meeting feeling a bit down. Luckily I still had Yolanda's number so I stopped by the Health Sciences Building for a little "pick me up" before I got home.
Well, like one of the Rough Fish execs said "Thank God for pseudonyms eh (Gather T''s Real Name)? I said "No ****, no ****" (sorry, I misplaced my fuckin' Snorkel conversion chart).
You know, this issue is getting so "inside" that even I'm hitting the archives!
Monday Mud in PDF Format Update
Sorry, no progress on the PDF front. I called the Rough Fish computer SOS line (ext #767) and haven't heard back all week. Is there a Star Trek convention in town that I don't know about?
Summer Movie Preview Contest Yields a Late Winner Due to Loose Rules
Congratulations to *** (click here for winner's real name) whose guess "Joan of Arc Lights Up the Dark" was wrong but it felt close enough for me and the loose rules established for the first Mudtest. Turns out one of the major networks is presenting their version of the Joan of Arc story. It's running against another network's version of Noah's Ark starring Jon Voight, which they've titled Midnight Arkboy.
The lucky winner wins a tape of "The Burt Bacharach Songbook" which will be (can I say bootlegged here?) taped from my CD as soon as I get it back from my parents.
No More Horny Hillbillies for President
Nothing against horny hillbillies but now that I've been seeing former Bugtustle, Tennessee resident Al Gore hoopin' n' hollerin' around the country setting up his bid for the Presidency I just have to shake my head.
Sure, he's been pretty sedate and low-key as the Vice President but just give him the power and he'll be stocking up the White House pantry with his jugs of corn squeezins and hillbilly aphrodisiacs just like his predecessor. Next thing you know, there'll be more investigations, more Barbara Walter interviews and more broken-hearted interns who have been seduced by that infamous horny hillbilly charm.
ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!
I hereby swear to cast my vote for Elizabeth Dole and predict that she will win. Not only has our society progressed in the areas of unbiased equality between the sexes to the point where we'd put a chick in office but I think it's safe to say that the American public is just tired of hearing about semen!
Enough With the Aging Rock Stars
Nothing against aging rock stars but they've been complicating my life lately. No, I don't mean the Foghat types who wriggle their big old butts into some tight Levis® and head for the Mermaid to relive such classics as "Fool For The City" and "Slow Ride". It's sad but it doesn't bother me because it doesn't tempt me. Besides, once you've seen Foghat in their prime at a Bicentennial (July, 4, 1976) concert at a speedway in Rockford, Illinois along with Ted Nugent (Derek St. Holmes era), Rick Derringer, Mahogany Rush & Head East, well, that's just something you never really get over.
What's getting to me are the Matlock-rockers who are still growing as artists and have somehow cheated the inevitable rock star tragic death. It might come as a surprise but Styrofoam® circle cutters just don't make as much money as you might think and some of the geezer rockers are asking a pretty penny for their shows. Last time the Rolling Kidney Stones were in town I had to pass because I was turned down for a loan by Ticketmaster. My credit rating almost covered the loan for the actual tickets but once the handling charges were added it was out of my league.
I'd seen the Stones a few times before but was tempted by the intimate setting of the Target Center, after the Metrodome shows it would almost be like seeing a friend's band play in their living room. The last time I saw them was at the Metrodome and it was fun as an event I suppose, but the grand scale throws things off a bit. Mick was so concerned with sprinting 50 yards per syllable that I had flashbacks of watching Herschel Walker losing his shoe running against the Packers in the same venue. Come to think of it, Mick's voice didn't sound a whole lot different than Jerry Burns' when he met the press after that game.
Keith and Ronnie were about 3 city blocks away from each other and they were actually signaling chord changes to each other using semaphore flags. Fortunately, throughout all of it, you can always rely on listening to the incredible drumming of Charlie Watts. But, due to the length of time it takes for sound waves to travel, by the time you heard the drums kick in, the song was already over. I first noticed it on "Miss You", I was happy as a clam listening to Charlie cracking away at the the snare drum. But, when I looked through the binoculars, there he was, cracking open a bottle of Moet & Chandon and nibbling away at a plate of Coq au Vin and steamed asparagus that was sitting on his floor tom. There was a waiter taking Keith's order and if my lip reading was correct, he was ordering the soup & heroin special.
So, the other night I was pondering the trip down to First Ave to see Sebadoh knowing that I'd be one of the senior audience members but I heard tale of some good musical early bird specials this summer and thought I'd better save my pennies:
Neil Young:Orpheum
Theater: 2 night acoustic performance. They
actually have tickets for $125 which includes a reception with Neil. I could
picture how smooth that would be in a Chris Farley way ...
"Hey Neil?"
(high voice) "Yeah"
(rubbing sweaty palms on legs) "Remember when you were in Buffalo
Springfield?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"That was awesome!"
REM Parade Stadium with Wilco: More like "middle-aged man than Matlock-rockers
Van Morrison: Target Center. I was on my way to Harriet Island to see Van the last time he was in town a mere 10 years after the big bicentennial Foghat show but ran into a tornado and never got there. I've been waiting 13 years but, hey, the Target Center sucks!
Crosby, Stills Nash & Young REUNITED! Truth be known, they were probably only together
for
a couple weeks back in the late 60's.
Bob Dylan & Paul Simon: After seeing the last Dylan show I vowed to never miss another but with Paul Simon involved, it sounds like an American Express Gold Card event.
Total cost of the events is just shy of $500 ... screw it, I'll just catch Sebadoh next time they're in town!
Local Band Carp 18 Hits #1 on Charts while "on hiatus"
This might be hard to explain because I barely understand it myself but here goes:
Have you heard of CDs? Good, well how do you think those songs get on CDs? Right (I could picture you shouting out the answer, then looking around the office hoping nobody heard you) they're digital computer files and a CD is just a computer disk with a capacity of about 650 megs (please, no emails from geeks in case I get this stuff wrong!) and a CD holds about 75 minutes of music. That means that each minute of music takes up about 8.6 megs of space.
Let's say an average song lasts about 3 1/2 minutes (please, no email from Deadheads or jazz fans) that would mean that the song takes up around 30 megs. These days 30 megs is just pocket change considering that Grandpa Knutson down the street has a computer with a 12 gig hard drive and it's three-quarters full of emails from the Matlock Newsgroup (bet you thought I was going to say porn).
Well 30 megs is still slow going over the net so thanks to some army of geeks somewhere, that file can be compressed down to about 3 megs and, with last year's modem, can be downloaded in less than 10 minutes.
How does this explain Carp 18 hitting #1 on the charts while "on hiatus"? Just hold on, this is going to get technical.
Let's say a band was so desperate, I mean, driven, to have people hear their recorded music that they would post their music on a site where people can download it for free.
For free???? You may be asking yourself, why on earth would anyone do this? Good question, I don't know myself but it might have something to do with years and years of playing $25 gigs and drinking $50 dollars worth of beer ... it must just fuck you up big time.
So, with that explanation out of the way, the band, after months of considering this drastic move (each meeting required the use of beer to reduce tension), decided to upload an appropriate selection (Me & My Computer) from their critically acclaimed CD "Russian Racehorse", which you can order through Midwest Underground by clicking "el blinko" below:
So, there's a site called www.mp3.com where artists as diverse as Tom Petty to the Cocky Sticks have uploaded their sound files for people to access. There are tens of thousands of songs at this site and songs move up the charts according to the number of times that the song is downloaded. After about a week the song reached #7,379 on the singles chart, # 378 on the Alternative charts, #95 on the Minnesota charts and #1 on the Columbia Heights charts.
The first lesson in self promotion is to go with the good looking numbers and leave out some of the details (see Slim Whitman & Boxcar Willie).
Well shucks, it looks like I'm approaching the 2,000 word mark so ...
See you next Monday!
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
Please send any questions, concerns or carps to carp18@aol.com
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
