"All music is folk
music,
I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
-- Louis Armstrong
Hey, it's good to be back!
My deep appreciation goes out to Mr. Grimstone for filling in for me last week. I haven't had a chance to read his column yet but I heard that he gets right to the point so I'm sure it was a refreshing change for the readers. I'm not familiar with his work but apparently he was the only person they could find on such short notice. I received a cryptic call from some old salt named Cappy Del Monte who said he'd gladly cover for me in case I was a victim of "terror on on the high seas." I guess he's one of the other writers who was downsized when the "Catch O' the Day" folded.
I was pretty relaxed until my drive in tonight, I was nearly forced off the road by a rusty El Camino driven by some nut who was cranking that song by Paper Lace, "The Night Chicago Died."
I may as well fess up right now about my mysterious absence last week. After years and years of aspiring to be a writer, dreaming of entertaining readers with clever vignettes and sharing interesting life experiences, well, turns out I'm done. That's all I got! 11 fuck*** issues of "Monday Mud" and I'm all out!
I've been racking my brain for 2 weeks and I think I've covered the works, let's see, the nitrous party at the dental school, ripped George Corporal "a new one", covered the Old Navy ads .... yep, I think that's it.
Here's the problem ...
I'm caught in a pretty iron clad contract with the Rough Fish World Empire, I promised them 52 consecutive issues of the "Mud" and that means I got 39 left. I can farm out the assignments to a point but a lot of writers might not like getting paid by the "page hits". It's too uncertain and it's a hard concept to explain to the loan officers at the bank.
Okay, so writer's block is one problem, here's the other one. Have you noticed how nice it is outside? I'm not a big fan of the outdoors but it's a little tough to sit in front of a cathode ray tube computer monitor eating Skittles and drinking Surge trying to sell myself on the notion that I'm not a geek.
So I'm thinking, "Hey, maybe after getting clearance from the Rough Fish Brass, I'll start skipping a week here and there and just extend the 52 week contract over a longer time period." I apologize to the handful of Mud addicts who can't start the week without it but just think of it as brewing an occasional pot of vinegar, which will ensure that the next pot of mud will be better for it. Just think of it as a literary douche.
So if you reach for a cup of Monday Mud this summer, and are horrified to see last week's stale swill molding away on your screen, just remember, there's a fresh pot brewing so make sure and come back the next week.
So for this week, I'll have to scrape up whatever grounds I can find .... hang in there!
I get a charge out of folks who shut you down with comments like "Noah's Ark"? I really don't watch much television but I believe I read the book." For one thing, they don't call it "TV", they call it "television" and when they do watch, they JUST WATCH CHANNEL 2!!!!!!!! (PBS)
Personally I think PBS "rocks" but some nights when it's nothing but finance & fornicating fruit flies, I'm tuning into "Friends."
A few years back I was dating an "Intellectuals Despise Infotainment On Television" type and I was soon horrified to find out she knew more about the characters on "Major Dad" and "Perfect Strangers" than she had alluded to in her personal ad which had clearly specified "Puccini, Voltaire and long walks in the park". It was a pretty good front for a while, an unplugged 1963 black & white TV with broken rabbit ears in the living room, a wicker bookshelf in the biffy stocked with poetry books and a pantry full of spring water and organic rice & beans.
I was on cat-feeding-duty (Chaucer & Cervantes) while she was on a charity bike ride across Nova Scotia to raise money for the preservation of the English language. As I was opening a can of "spotted-owl-safe" Tender Vittles for the cats, the damn electricity went out! I had to jimmy open the door to the basement (it was always locked) and find the circuit breaker box.
When I reset the breaker I was stunned to find the most glorious home entertainment system my eyes had ever had the pleasure of feasting upon! An advanced Dolby Pro Logic system fueled by a wall full of Crown amps and Lucas Arts-endorsed, THX-approved subwoofers and center channel drivers. I humbled myself before the largest Sony HDTV prototype picture tube available without a radiation permit.
Next to the Italian baby calf leather sofa and polar bear rug was a refrigerator/freezer stocked with Miller Genuine Draft, Jågermeister, frozen White Castle burgers & the entire family of Totino's Pizza Rolls. On a nearby counter sat a gleaming white Panasonic NN-Z5555A microwave oven complete with "menu action screen."
My hands trembled as I thumbed through the vast collection of Laser Discs, they were all there: Stripes, Caddyshack, the National Lampoon's Vacation series (with the exception of European Vacation), Goodfellas, Star Wars, Fletch, Death Wish III, Duck Soup, The Groove Tube, Dirty Mary & Crazy Larry, Easy Rider, Sirens etc etc etc ...
I heard keys jangling and the sound of deadbolt snapping. I hadn't noticed that the basement was a walkout and in through the door walks a guy with a Dominos pizza box and a 2-liter bottle of Cherry Coke.
"What the hell are you doing in my apartment buddy?"
"Uhh, I think I made a mistake here, ummm, we'll catch ya later okay?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Whatever."
I headed back up to feed the cats and as I heard the opening theme from Full Metal Jacket rumbling through the floor I cooked up a bowl of rice & beans and headed to the living room to catch another installment of "This Old House."
"Goddammit!"
"What's wrong Candi?"
Holding a mop, Arnold Schleppmeyer, with his shirt tail hanging out, limps out of the mysterious backroom of a Super America store in Anytown USA.
"Oh, that f---er that was just in here ripped off another pen!"
"You mean that guy that pulled up in that Miata, ummm, I'll go kick his ass if you want me to!"
"Naw, he's probably halfway to (insert hoity-toity suburb here) by now. God! I'm so sick of those bastards taking my pens."
Candi, lights a cigarette, inhales, points her chin skyward and exhales loudly.
Arnold rubs his nose nervously and says,
"Hey Candi, yer not s'posed to smoke in here you know, if Ken found out ..."
"Oh screw Ken! I'd be happy if he canned me, I'm so sick of this f---ing dump I could just scream. I'd just go live with my boyfriend out in California."
Arnold looked down at the floor, he knew that Candi was too hot for him and that the boyfriend she always talked about must be really cool, especially if he lives in California.
"What part of California does he live in again?
"L.A., his parents are real rich and I could just go out there and I wouldn't even have to work. I'd never have to do any bullshit job like this. Working in the middle of the night, working with ..."
She notices Arnold is hanging on every word waiting for more.
"... working with, ummm, different people all the time. God, I wish I could think of a way to keep people from stealing our pens, it just pisses me off!"
Arnold scratches his head (note to readers: how am I doing on this Arnold character? You gettin' the feeling he's not the sharpest pencil in the box? I've got a pretty limited character palette).
"How 'bout like at the bank where they keep their pens on chains? Except I just unscrew 'em, I take 'em all the time."
"Naw, this place is too f---ing cheap to do something like that."
"How 'bout if we put a tiny explosive in the pen, then, after they take it, we could, like, detonate it and their whole car would go...
His eyes get big and start tumbling independently of each other as he watches his dancing fingers simulate the look of an explosion.
"...PIHK-OOOOOOHM-BLOOEY-BUH-BOOM-PEH-KOOOOOOOH!!!!!!"
Candi decides not to tear him "a new one" since she got bored with that weeks ago.
"Naw, people are really down on that stuff these days, I was thinking more of something we could, like, tape to the pen so they'd think twice before putting it in their pocket."
Arnold hears the microwave bell ring and is pretty sure that means his Dinty Moore stew is ready. He opens the microwave, takes out the can then realizes it's burning his fingers so he makes those quiet little "ouch, ouch, ouch" noises as he flips it from hand to hand.
"Hey Candi, where are those fork dealies that look like spoons?"
"The sporks? There's a shitload of them back in that mysterious room that you're always walking out of."
"Oh yeah, I just seen 'em next to those rolls of Scotch tape and the pens, I'll be right back."
I'd pay a mint to see that surveillance tape, because if there was ever a time when a light bulb went off over somebody's head, this was it!
"Hey Arnold! Bring me some of those pens too ... and plenty of sporks .... and the Scotch tape!
Arnold comes out of the mysterious back room with his arms full and a puzzled look on his face.
"Hey, Candi. When we talk about Scotch tape, are we supposed to use a ® symbol?"
Candi sez ...
"I dunno, it's like Band-aids, or Xerox or Saran Wrap, it's a brand name, but since it's become part of the daily vernacular, it may not be necessary."
Arnold, sets the stuff on the counter, takes his backwards cap off, scratches his head and queries,
"I know I ain't too sharp, but, would 'vernacular' be the right word? Or would it be more like 'colloquial?"
"How the f--- should I know? Let's just get busy and start making theft-proof pens."
Just then, a red Miata pulls up to the pumps. A guy in a fancy suit gets out and tries fueling up. He squeezes the lever on the nozzle and locks it into place. Nothing. He taps his foot looking back and forth into the stillness of the night. After they let him bounce around impatiently for a bit, Candi gets on the intercom.
"Go ahead on pump 7."
Arnold and Candi both laugh as Candi hits the switch that activates the pump.
Minutes later, the suit walks in and says,
"I had gas on pump 7."
Arnold snorts and says,
"I thought I smelled something."
The guy looks at Arnold, lifts his shoulders and hands and gives the international "I don' know what the f--- yer talking about" look. He writes out a check for the gas and a breath-sweetening spray and is just about to put the pen in his coat pocket but stops in his tracks as he notices that he's putting a giant spork in his pocket as well.
"What the ....?"
Arnold and Candi make immediate eye contact and bust into the silliest spork-eating grins you've ever seen, Arnold, with one hand, pops a Mentos out of its wrapper with his thumb and into his mouth as he throws his head back and lets out a laugh of confidence.
The man, still looking stunned, said,
"What the Devil? Who came up with this contraption?"
At the same time, Arnold and Candi pointed to each other and said,
"(S)he did ... jinx!"
"Let, me introduce myself, my name is Bill Blandstone, "Chief Executive of Thrifty Behavior" for the Super America Company. Do you realize we lost $4.3 million in stolen pens just in the last year? Why, this could be the biggest breakthrough in our business history! How would you two like to be transferred to California? You'll never have to work again except for perhaps helping us put together a training film for our employees. You'd probably rather live in California because on top of being rich, it would just seem cooler if you were in California"
Arnold removed his cap, scratched his head, popped another Mentos and said,
"California, here we come!"
See you on a future Monday!
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
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