"It's like deja vu
all over again."
-- Yogi Berra
I'd been camping for several days outside the Showplace 16 in Coon Rapids ...
Okay, I think I've used that one already ...
Ummm, it was Memorial Weekend and nobody would be at work on Monday to read the Mud anyway, and I'm not ready to start the "Tuesday Tea" (actually that sounds like it has potential, yeah, the Tuesday Tea Party, the TTP, yeah, that's the ticket).
Would you buy an "amnesia" story? If so, great; if not, I'll use it to segue into the usual fascinating recounts of stuff I saw on TV ... excuse me, television ...
Tonight (Sunday) there was quite a tale on 20/20 of a guy who claimed he had "amnesia" and it looked like the excuse might work out for him. Seems he conveniently woke up in a ditch somewhere in the middle of Wyoming with no recollection of who he was, where he was from and why the hell he was in Wyoming.
After about 4 or 5 years his story ends up on America's Most Wanted and his family from Indianapolis come to claim him. When he gets back to the Hoosier State it turns out the cops remind him about some heavy-duty embezzling issues that they were working out about the time he disappeared.
With a bit of a grin, he sez:
"Jeez, I'm sorry guys, I don't remember a thing."
So, with that in mind. I just don't recollect where I was last weekend.
"Did you see ...?"
Have you heard this line? If you say "No." you're about to embark on a journey in which a non-licensed story teller takes a stab at reenacting a professionally written sitcom, movie or appearance by their favorite actor on a late night talk show.
It happens all the time ... heck, I do it myself on occasion ... the morning crew on KQ does it as an actual profession and I'll bet you've done it yourself.
Picture a group of glassy-eyed co-workers holding their steaming cups of coffee (probably anxious to head off and read the Mud) facing you as you try to explain what you have seen ...
"Okay, so the landlord thinks this guy is gay cos that's what he told him because, umm ... hmmm, I guess cos he's moved into the apartment with these 2 women and, well, there must be some deal where they can't have guys & girls living together, like a clause in the lease or whatever. Anyway, it's funny because he's 'not' and he really has a crush on the blonde, er ... maybe it's the other one, I'm not sure, and the landlord, whose name is .... oh, what the heck is it again? Can't ... you know, 'do it' or something, I don't know ...
Well, I'm sure you get the idea. My first recollection of this situation dates back to the post-leaded fuel era of the 70's when the Mustang II was causing panic among the gearhead community I associated with and there was a wacky knucklehead named Jerry Ford who was running the country and launching Chevy Chase's career.
I was hanging out at my friend Juan's house watching Gimme Shelter on PBS sampling some ... (excuse me, I have to go surf the Net and try to find a PG-13 graphic to put at the top of the page, I'll be right back ... okay, are the kids gone? Maybe I need the R-rating graphic, I'm not sure ... oh well, it's the most effort I've made yet) ... really dynamite weed that he'd just picked up from some scary drug hoodlums. Just when we were getting to the part in the show when Marty Balin from the Jefferson Airplane gets punched out by a Hell's Angel at Altamont, there was a knock on the door.
"Shit! Be cool, be cool!" Juan was sliding pipes and ashtrays under the couch accompanied by a lot of clinking noises, I was sure the cops had a nick-name for that sound and if I wasn't busy on Glade patrol I probably would have pondered it for quite some time.
Glade patrol was where you jumped around the sampling area like a spastic spider monkey spraying Glade air freshener into the billowing clouds of marijuana smoke that hung in the air like cumulus search warrants. I always had zero confidence in the Glade maneuver but it was part of the ritual and I didn't question it. Somehow it was hard to imagine a gang of authority figures busting into a raging pot party and being tricked by the pungent aroma of Autumnal Orchard Glade mixed with Acapulco Gold. Maybe next week I'll explain the pros & cons of the incense maneuver.
Anyway, it just turned out to be a guy named Bill Stone, everyone called him "Stoney" and it was a name we were all envious of. Folks called me "Swannee" and it just didn't have the counterculture ring to it but it beat the hell out of most high school nicknames. There was a guy who I only knew as Pizza Face and I'd have to admit that would be a little rough. He worked at the local pizza joint and had to work around all that grease and to tell you the truth, in a dimly-lit room, he bore a striking resemblance to a medium pepperoni & mushroom pizza.
Stoney was a senior and he drove a Chevy Malibu with a 350. The preceding description was typical when describing people: name, rank (senior) & serial number (vehicle description). It was optional to throw in a historical anecdote, here's an example:
"Who's that?"
"That's Stoney"
"Who?"
"He's a senior."
"Hmmmmm."
"Drives a Malibu with a 350."
"Hmmmmm...."
"He's the one who puked at Zander's party."
"Oh yeah, him, too much Ouzo right?"
"Yeah, that's him."
Okay, so Stoney liked to live up to his name by being stoned all the time. Of course, he just had that look so maybe it was just me. Remember tinted glasses (rose colored)? The ones that adjusted to the light so that even in the same dimly-lit room where Pizza Face would be hanging out, the lenses would have a subtle tint going? Then, when you went outside on a bright day, or sat down in front of the hot lights for your class picture they'd turn redder than the whites of your eyes. Enough said, they were like Glade for the eyes. Well, he wore 'em.
The next important feature in Stoney's repertoire was the slack-jawed look. Not like Clevis the slack-jawed yokel but more like the California rock star thing, like Bob Welch. It exuded a general look of wonder & amazement that went together so well with the whole cannabis lifestyle as if one was seeing for the first time. It worked well the babes too. Once we were over at Kim Diaz's (I know the name loses its impact but just insert the name of the most desirable babe at your high school and read on ... unless you're the type of person who doesn't constantly reminisce about high school well into your 30's and beyond) place and she was showing us her new pet, a hermit crab named Herman. It was hanging from the ceiling in a bowl by a macramé hanger that Kim had made herself.
Well, ol' Stoney stole Kim's heart that day as he stared with childlike amazement at that dadgum hermit crab for what seemed like hours.
It's occurring to me that I'm never going to get to all the subjects I planned on this week so I'd better put a rush on this story.
Okay, so Stoney stops by Juan's place fresh from the screening of a new flick called Taxi Driver and proceeds to tell us about scene by scene while smoking hit after hit of some pretty powerful doobage. Well, let me tell ya, I don't know how long the actual film is, 110, maybe 130 minutes but Stoney's version went on for about 5 to 6 hours. I know it turned out to be somewhat of an American film classic, but at the time, he might as well have been describing Devil's Rain starring Ernest Borgnine.
The point of the story, if there is one, is, if you're going to do drugs and watch movies or TV, be very careful. Here's a list of some things I'm starting to remember from last weekend:
Professional Bull Riding on TNN: There I sat, slack-jawed and wide-eyed on the edge of my seat. In the right frame of mind, this sport qualifies as "Must See TV."
Sumo Wrestling on ESPN2: In the right frame of mind, the Zen-like purity of this competition brings nothing short of enlightenment to your soul. Plus, I don't feel so bad about my own weight problem anymore.
Guinness Book of World Records: There it was, on national TV, 2 heroic brothers going for the record. Brother 1 sat on a stool 10 feet in front of Brother 2. He would fold his ear down to a position where it locked into place, then he carefully placed an M&M onto his ear, with much concentration and precise ear muscle control, he would release the ear from its locked position and fire the M&M straight into his brother's mouth. I don't know what the previous record was, but any potential challengers will have to beat the current record of 26!
Random Last Notes Before I Get Fired from this Gig
The other day I called home for messages and my heart skipped a beat when I heard "Hi, this is Shania Twain...." Sure it turned out to be a canned message from K102 but it was enough to get me to tune into that piece of crap station for a few minutes before I realized how awful it is.
After years of seeing Terri Garr pushing WLITE, I finally located it on my car radio dial. I thought it was just a cable-access channel that only my dental hygienist could get. The coolest part was when I tuned it in they were actually playing that real mellow song by Chicago that they use in their ads.... "If you leave me now yadda yadda yadda..." It really mellowed me out during rush hour and I almost didn't flip somebody off.
Even though there was no issue of Monday Mud last week, there was a record amount of page hits for the week! I don't know how to read into that exactly but I'll feel a lot better about skipping issues now.
Got a last minute offer to see Neil Young at the Orpheum and even though I'm trying to kick the habit of going to see rock legends perform, I'd been laying awake at night regretting that I hadn't got tickets for that show. It ranks up there as one of the best shows I've ever seen and for those folks in the audience yelling requests and clever comments, I'd just like to say one thing .... "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As usual, the Bob Dylan Sound Alike Contest at the 400 was a lot of fun. My condolences go out to the guy with the Moe Howard hairdo who was doing a beautiful but unusually long version of "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right." I shan't soon forget the shocked look on his face as emcee John Eric Thiede snuck up behind him and taped his mouth shut in the middle of his performance.
See you on a future Monday!
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV,
Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape
05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars,
if they should bar wars, don't let them end.
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