"The internet is a
great way to get on the net."
-- Bob Dole
So I run out for smokes at the local SA, see some sporks taped to the pens so you don't walk off with them and am quickly reminded that it is my mission to share these observations with scores of people from around the globe through the world wide web.
I don't know where to start tonight ... I'm feeling pretty surly so I could just write a list of things that piss me off, like that stupid Monday Mud graphic at the top of this page, it's like, "Hey guys, could ya make the thing a little bigger? It's not quite hanging over the edge of my monitor yet ...
I'm sure it's been a great paycheck for the guy from Married With Children, David Spade, Larry "Bud" Melman etc. (there might be several different "collect call" companies but I'm lumping them into one just to get to the concept) but is there really such a strong market for deadbeat "collect call" callers?
Except for the time I was in jail, I can't think of many occasions where I called anybody "collect". Just the thought of thousands, or millions of David Spade-type worms running rampant across the country sponging free calls off the "enablers" in their lives makes me want to read into the title "Just Shoot Me" a little too deeply...
Just kidding, I think David Spade is hilarious!
One night I had this bizarre dream that Jesse Ventura ran for Governor of Minnesota ... and he won!!!! Then, to make matters worse, the whole country found out about it! Next thing you know, he's appearing on talk shows constantly with that dipshit voice trying to convince people that he's smart!
I almost thought that it was really happening, it was the most vivid and horrifying nightmare I'd ever had. That's the last time I'll ever eat 2 helpings of Welsh Rarebit before bedtime! (an inside joke for all you Gomer Pyle fans).
I was tossing and turning in my sleep as he spoke of shagging some prostitutes in Nevada, smoking weed, recommending that high school students carry concealed weapons, blaming street layouts on the drunken Irish, and then ... the scariest part of the dream was where there was some party going on, maybe the Inaugural Ball, I'm not sure, and he was singing an off-key duet of "Werewolves of London" with Warren Zevon. That's when I knew it was just a dream...
Just kidding, I love Jesse, I'm just teasing 'cos I know he can take it. In fact, I even voted for him ... although, I was drunk at the time because I am Irish and that's just the way we are.
(A gossip footnote: a close relative of mine sat next to Jesse on a flight out to New York the other day. He was reading a book about, get this .... Navy Seals! No shit, and here's the clincher ... he moves his lips when he reads!)
After joking last week about how watching Sumo wrestling made me feel better about my own weight problem, I was mistaken for a famous Sumo wrestler at Knollwood Mall the other day. I was trying to make my way to the food court (which is quite the ghost town these days, unless Sbarros, One-Potato-Two and some half-assed Oriental place called the Dragon's Wang or something sounds cosmopolitan to you) and these kids trading Pokemon cards stopped me and asked for my autograph.
I was flattered but said "Aren't you kids a little young to be reading the Monday Mud, it does have a PG-13 rating you know." (That should stop kids from scrolling down).
The tough looking ringleader whose name, it turns out, was Lampwick spit on the floor and in some weird Brooklyn whine said "Ain't you Toshira Rashoman, Sumo champion?"
I was stunned. I'd been mistaken for Ozzy Osborne once up in Spicer but this was worse. "No, sorry guys but you have me mistaken for somebody else."
Lampwick gathered up his cards and told his friends "I told you sad sacks there ain't no famous people in Knollwood, let's scram, maybe we can go pick a good fight down by Radio Shack, go poke somebody in the eye."
Suddenly One-Potato-Two looked liked the right place to dine. Afterwards I thought about running the Clipboard Gauntlet and seeing if I could make it to Walden Books and pick up a copy of the "Atkins Diet Revolution", otherwise know in these parts as the Denny Green Diet.
But the Gauntlet was out in full force, if you never been to Knollwood you may not be familiar with it. Remember that sequel to Night of the Living Dead that took place in a mall? It's like that, but instead of an army of flesh-eating ghouls, there's an army of vacant-eyed retirees roaming the corridors with clip boards ready to pounce on you with extreme lethargy and a dangerous dose of halitosis.
They conduct surveys, that's all I know. I've seen them nab unsuspecting victims, head down a dark stairwell and, from my observations .... NEVER RETURN!!!!!!
Luckily, there are some preventative measures you can take to defend yourself. Just as Count Dracula cringed at garlic, holy water and crucifixes, the Clipboard Gauntlet cloak themselves in terror before members of the advertising community or the media. You don't even have to really work in those areas, just tell them you do and they will disappear into the dark, shadowed catacombs of Knollwood like scurrying rats of doom in a godless bastion of despondency ....
Hey, I was just starting to get on a roll but I promised myself I'd stop at 1,000 words this week. The rest can wait till next week. Actually, I'll be out of town next week so unless I can find a Cyber Café in Ossippee Corners, it'll have to wait.
See you on a future Monday!
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV,
Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape
05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars,
if they should bar wars, don't let them end.
06/07/99 Amnesia & Other Excuses, Film
Critics on Weed, Last Random Notes
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