"Words are, of course,
the most powerful drugs
used by mankind."
-- Rudyard Kipling
Editor's note: just a reminder to
our handful of readers ...
Gather T. Swanson is a fictional character created in the tradition of the
"Bathrobe Philosophers" e.g.: Hawkeye Pierce, Brian Wilson, the
Eric Stoltz smack dealer from Pulp Fiction & of course, The Big Lebowski.
Any scenario described in Monday Mud is pure fiction and never happened.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental and if
there are any specific names mentioned ... well, I'll cross that bridge
if it becomes an issue.
I got so stoned the other night that I saw a Dave Matthews performance on VH1 and thought it was great.
That's one of the problems with the whole "altered states" scene, it can really screw up your judgment. The thing that made it so difficult for me is that I've been bitching about Dave Matthews for a couple years now and I almost feel obligated to criticize him forever.
As I sat back in my terry cloth recliner with the remote in one hand and hemostats in the other, I began to reflect on where my life was going and soon had the Yellow Pages out looking for a treatment center that accepts the Discover Card.
How would I face my friends again and explain that when you take away all the diarrhetic bursts of eclectic instrumentation on the typical Dave Matthews song (if you're not familiar with this, just turn your FM dial to 104.1, The Point, and you should hear a Dave Matthews tune within 3 1/2 minutes, it'll be right after the Natalie Merchant song, unless it's Tuesday, then it'll be right after Edie Brickell) and it's just 2 acoustic guitars, it's pretty cool stuff ... did I just say that?
What I'm asking for is your help people, if someone has seen or heard Dave Matthews in this format (think he recorded a CD at Luther College like this) and can verify that it is actually pretty good, please email me in care of carp18@aol.com as soon as you can. Also, if anyone knows where I can get some good weed I'd appreciate if you dropped me a line as well at carp18@aol.com. I was thinking about giving you Carp 18's P.O. Box and having you just send me some weed (I get paid this Friday so I'd pay you back quick) but it just sounds a little risky.
Not to run this thing into the ground but I'm still shaking a bit from the experience. I don't know how many of you have ever been experienced ... have you ever been experienced? I have. It's tricky. The whole judgment thing gets thrown entirely out of wack, music, movies, how long does the traffic light stay yellow? Lily Tomlin once queried "Why are the worst TV shows the best when you're stoned?"
During the Matthews incident I had to run a self-test to check how stoned I was by doing some channel surfing. If I came across a show that I knew, by all logic, was bad ,yet found myself getting absorbed by it and buying into it, then I could somehow prove that Dave Matthews wasn't any good.
I got my act together, poured a glass of Cabernet Savignon, found my Bic lighter that had vanished into the recliner cushions and prepared to hit the surf hoping to find something like Emergency, Little House on the Prairie or le cremé de la cremé, Fran Tarkenton on an infommercial.
The first wave I hit was the Letterman show and there was Carlos Santana and the Eddie Money-look-a-like from Matchbox 20 performing that new hit song. It was a tough one to hit because I'm pretty sure it was cool, the percussion playing alone had me sitting like a slack-jawed yokel in pure amazement. I was trying to pick it apart to prove that I was in an easy-to-entertain mode therefore proving that Dave Matthews is no good.
My first attack was directed at the ridiculous name of Rob Thomas' band ... Matchbox 20 ... oh my, how clever, a noun with a number after it, don't you hate when bands use that tired yet still pretentious formula for their name? Let me know what you think ... email me at carp18@aol.com.
Carlos' guitar and amp: if he was playing a piece of crap guitar like a Fernandes through a Peavy I could carp about that, but no, a ****** Paul Reed Smith through a Mesa Boogie head plugged into Soldano & Marshall cabinets. That classy bastard!
I flip to Cheers, filmed before a live audience, and it's the one where Sammy plays a trick on the gang into thinking that a mob boss is after them so they hop a bus for North Dakota like they're in a witness protection program. I'm not sure how it all worked, it was pretty complicated in that state of mind. I fact, I found myself as confused as Woody after the whole thing was explained. Then it dawned on me, Woody Harrelson, the actor, is really into the whole hemp thing and look what it's done to his mind. I begin to seriously consider treatment.
Watching good comedy while stoned is probably a bit dangerous, a well written show like Cheers, filmed before a live audience, could cause mild choking but even Heimlich himself couldn't maneuver me through what lay ahead on this stoned surfin' safari ... The 25 Lamest Videos on MTV with a commentary crew that included Denis Leary, Jon Stewart, Chris Kataan & Janeane Garafalo. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to explain the sensation of listening to that sardonic bunch walk you through a Billy Squire video but all I can say is, I'm lucky I'm alive today....
I'm starting to get lost here, lets switch subjects....
Safe Things to Do While Stoned and Other Tips
You're probably all aware that getting stoned is illegal and I'm not condoning or condemning it but in case you find yourself stoned here are some tips:
Things you shouldn't do:
Fly an airplane (don't ask me about this one)
Drive your car (especially if you have a "I Brake for Hallucinations"
bumper sticker)
Go on a job interview (don't ask me about this one)
Listen to Pink Floyd's Ummagumma (unless you have a lot of previous
experience)
Watch The Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon playing
(try Creature of the Black Lagoon with Wish You Were Here)
Talk to your neighbors
Write a web page
Things you should do:
Clean your house (it actually seems interesting
for a while)
Hang up window treatments for your wife (you suddenly find yourself with
all the patience in the world; also she might even cut you some slack when
she notices your beet-red eyes)
Play Candyland with the kids (it's the only way to get through that
one!)
Listen to the Lemonheads (it's like alternative music but it feels
real safe)
Write a web page
Should we move on?
Random Last Notes Before I Get Fired from this Gig
I actually got a couple complaints that there was no new Mud last week. One one hand I'm thrilled that there is an interest in the column, on the other hand "Hey! Get off my back!!!!"
A few short months ago I compared our Mud cult to the Symbionese Liberation Army (except that we had more members). Next thing you know, a local soccer mom turns out to be a member of the above mentioned group and the SLA hits the headlines while the Mud remains in obscurity. That's what I hate about cultdom, you're up one day and then some has-been cult makes a comeback and you're back in the shadows.
There's an extra bonus for folks who read the early edition of the Mud. Usually on Mondays, around mid-morning I meet with the editorial staff and we take out some of the objectionable material. Only a few people are privy to some of the controversial material from past issues, they're a cult within a cult.
I'm considering adding hypertext links to help out during extreme inside jokes. We're always striving to be a better cult.
Make sure and set your clocks back on Wednesday.
I'm suffering from chest pains ... a few hours ago I watched Patch Adams and my heartstrings were yanked so hard that my ribcage feels like it just went 10 rounds with Joe Louis. I don't think my emotions have been that brutally manipulated since I watched Mr. Holland's Opus (or as Cracked Magazine called it, Mr. Holland's Old Puss). I'm a huge fan of Robin Williams but if I see one more of his overblown characters that fights the system, I'm gonna buy a suit and go work for the government.
Last Friday was "Take Your Dog to Work Day" and my company didn't even observe it.
Saturday was National Anesthetist's Day. Happy Anesthetist's Day Steve! I would have got you a card but they didn't have a big selection (by the way, you left that Peter Mayer CD at my house, I'll drop it off this week along with that Stuart Davis "Self-Untitled" disc that Dave gave me for my birthday a few years ago, how much do you want for those mics again?)
Oh, Honey, if you're reading the page today I forgot to mention that the cable guy is stopping by on Friday between 4:30 and Sunday. Also, what night do we have haircuts again? Do the kids have soccer on the usual nights this week? I might have to work late on Wednesday, why don't you shoot me an email at carp18@aol.com when you get a chance and we'll figure out our schedule.
See you on a future Monday!
Hey! Now We Have Archives!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV,
Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape
05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars,
if they should bar wars, don't let them end.
06/07/99 Amnesia & Other Excuses, Film
Critics on Weed, Last Random Notes
06/14/99 Surly Rantings; Yes Virginia, there
is a Rastler Governor; The Clipboard Gauntlet
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Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
