"Summertime
and the living is easy
fish are jumping
and the cotton is high."
-- Dubose Heyward
(if there was a sound file I'd
mention that the music was by George Gershwin)
Introduction (must stay upbeat ... must stay upbeat)
Hey, folks welcome back to the Mundane Mud, err, I mean Monday Mud. Hope you all had a most fantabulous holiday celebrating the birth of this great fucked-upped country we like to call America. Son-of-a-bitch!!! My godamn backspace key isn't working!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait, let me try the mouse ..... nothing, what's that key command for delete again???
Sorry folks, looks like I'm in deep shit tonight, I can't seem to delete anything and that could be a real problem. I usually type what I feel, then read it, then start deleting shit because I'm really not as nice a guy as it appears after editing. I'm no Criswell but I'm predicting that this could be my last column.
Speaking of summer, what is the deal with summer? I mean, there's a lot of emphasis on it, people always view it as a magical 3 months where all their dreams and goals come true. And it's partially true because everyone's in tune with that, I mean, how many people out there lost their virginity in the summer? Let's see a show of hands, or just a jpeg if yuh got one.
I have to pause for a second here ... the color of the subheads is really bugging me but I can't change them because my computer isn't cooperating. I was trying to toe the line by choosing from the web-safe color pallete and looking for a summer-type color and it's fucking pink, or melon or something, this color might attract the wrong audience. FUCK THE WEB-SAFE COLORS!!!!!!
So I didn't used to worry about summer in the old days. Then Elvis Costello had to release that song called "The Other Side of Summer" and it got me thinking too much about the duration and reality of summer, I mean, if you haven't got laid by the All Star Game you'd better book a flight to Melbourne and try again.
Another funny thing about summer is, it makes me feel like smoking weed. If you're ever at my house you'll notice that all my calendars are on July all year long. I guess I'm just trying to recapture that crazy summer when "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" was constantly on the radio, unfortunately it was the Elton John version but it's the closest I ever got to the Summer of Love.
The key to a successful summer is trying to find a way to lose your job without losing your unemployment benefits, then it's like being a kid again, you have 3 months off but no disposable income. The unemployment checks cover approximately what your parents provided for you: a roof over your head, clothes that cover the privates and all the Lucky Charms you can eat.
Actually, the summer unemployment scenario is just a fantasy of mine, a dream that may never be fulfilled ... unless it turns out the Human Resources Department at my company finds out about my web site. In fact, this summer I have too much work! The word has leaked out onto the street that I'm a pretty good Styrofoam® circle-cutter and I've been doing a lot of freelancing, or as we call it in the Styro circle-cutting biz, "jigsaw-jousting."
I really wish I hadn't picked up so much work because the summer is just flying by. On those beautiful, balmy summer days I'm down in the basement cutting circles in my home-circle-cutting studio. Sure I have cable hooked up now but when I'm cutting circles I just can't deal with the distraction of the boob-tube. I'm such a purist when it comes to the art that I can't even listen to music, each and every one of those 360 degrees is a degree that is no more, yet no less important than the next. To deny even one of those degrees less than 100% of my concentration and 100% of my spiritual transcendence would be, well, it would simply be oval-cutting. And dammit, I'm a circle-cutter not an oval-cutter.
If there's one paragraph I wish I could delete, I'd have to say it was that last one.
Well, not to go on and on about my work, but here's the situation: I've worked at my current company for nearly 12 years. The company is called ... well I suppose I can say it .... we're deep enough into the body copy to avoid radar ... you know ... search engines? radar? flying above the treetops? I just came up with the concept right now what'ya think? It feels good, yeah ..... "radar". Excuse me a second, I'm trying to find my lighter, just a second ... sffffffffffffffffffffffffff ... -----------------------.... ppppppppppphuhhhhhewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ... hack hack hmmmmm ...where was I? Oh yeah, my company, yeah, ummmmm, what the fuck's it called again? Oh yeah, Circle Producer's International, you may have heard of us if you're up on Styrofoam circle-cutting companies, they just had a big writeup about us in Circumference Quarterly. We used to be called Circle Cutting Productions and before that we were Circular Diversificationators Intensified. Well here's the deal ....
I get a call from a colleague of mine who's doing some jigsaw-jousting for our chief competitor The North American Oval Group and he wants to know if I can use a little extra cash. I'm like, "Cutting ovals? I don't think so chum, I'm a circle-cutter. I used to cut ovals in my teens but I'm way beyond that now." He sez, "No man, listen ... the fuckin' gig pays 12 bucks an hour. 12 goddamn bucks an hour!!!"
Yeah, it sounded good but I'd have to buy all my own gear to do the job, I mean, a sabre saw .... maybe some extra blades .... ummmm, I suppose some kind of table or something ..... probably an extension cord and a 3-prong to 2-prong adapter if the extension cord is one of those half-ass white ones that I always seem to buy, and what are my electric bills gonna be?
Time to Pull Your Ass
Out of This Dead End Story (try some Random
Last Notes crap)
Random Last Notes Before I Get Fired from this Gig
Have I mentioned Dave Matthews enough in the past? Here's a gem that I can't believe I forgot. I was watching some music awards show with my kids a while back when who but ol' Dave Matthews shows up to play one of his "must have grasshoppers in my underwear" songs. I have enough sense to keep my opinions to myself when I'm around my kids because I want them to grow up normal. I usually dummy up when we unearth a gold mine of negativity such as this (oh, a quick segue before finishing this one ....)
Obviously you have to be a little careful raising kids because, even if you sit around stoned in your bathrobe all day they still think you're "the shit" so you may find them parroting things you've said. If you're like me, which I know most of you are, this can be unsettling at first. I first noticed it when we were driving down the road and we passed one of the new Volkswagen Beetles; next thing I knew, I heard my older son telling my younger son "You know, those Beetles look pretty cool in the commercials but when you see them up close, they really suck." Well, I wanted to believe that it was something he heard on an ad for South Park but I knew damn well where he heard it. Sometimes I forget that I'm actually a Dad and I treat my sons like, well, like they're friends or something.
Anyway, back to the Dave Matthews story ... so I'm keeping the ol' trap shut while Dave Matthews is hopping around with a voice like a rubber band fight at the O.K. Corral and my son turns to me and says
"Dad? He thinks he's good .... but he's really not, right?"
People, let me tell ya, I could feel my heart melting like a tub o' Land O' Lakes butter in a Panasonic microwave. I held out my arms and enjoyed one of the warmest hugs I have ever experienced. Heck, I guess I'll never be Ward Cleaver but I think I'm doing all right.
-------------
(you're on a nice sentimental roll, dare to be Larry King...)
153 summer movies and I go see Austin Powers twice. If there's a Peter Sellers Achievement Award out there somewhere .... deliver it to Mike Myers house .... pronto!
-------------
A couple Mondays ago I woke up from a dream that I actually wrote a whole column about channel surfing while stoned .... and that I posted the damn thing on the damn Internet! I ran down to the kitchen for a quick breakfast that's compatible with my new diet: half a grapefruit, a cup of black coffee and all the whipped cream & nitrous oxide that I can huff out of a can of Reddi Whip and headed for work ...
(I just now had to run up to the fridge to check the correct spelling of the product and had a quick hit while I was there, I came back to my office and realized I didn't even look at the can so I had to run up again .... this is a good job, I wish it paid!)
... I barely get set up at my workstation when I get paged,
"Gather T. Swanson you have a call on line 1"
I pick it up and it's one of my regular readers laughing so hard he can barely talk while quoting lines that were from my dream. I'm like...
"Where are you getting this from?"
He says "The Monday Mud it's from the Monday Mud!"
I started thinking, "What the fuck am I doing writing this shit? Is this a good idea?" But, it's hard to argue with 1,330 web hits and going strong. Besides, a friend told me that James Lileks has a web page that he writes everyday. I said,
"Come on, once a week is pushing it, what does he write about?"
"Oh, what he had for dinner, stuff like that."
I won't judge till I read it for myself but I think I'll stick with the channel surfing shit.
-------------
It's a long story but somehow I ended up at the Basilica Block Party the other night. The tickets were free so I'm not going to complain, but I will anyway.
First of all, I'm still moping around the house because I got there too late to see Los Lobos who I assumed would be the main event. Suddenly I have this wild hair up my bathrobe that they're the best fuckin' band in the world so whoever was on after them must be hitchin' a ride with E.T.
So I get to Stage 1 and it's .... it's .... it's ...<gulp> ... fuckin' Del Amitri! Oh man, who's at Stage 2 ???????? Bruce Hornsby???? It's like ...
"Ahhh, Mr. Swanson, welcome to ze Merdé Café our spesss-cee-ells today are .... chipped beef on toast or a Miracle Whip sandwich."
Now, I'm being a little harsh but I was suffering from the "Shit, I missed Los Lobos Blues" and that's just the way it is. When it comes to this schedule stuff it seems like I'm the last to know, none of it ever rolls to me, I'm just about ready to kiss this thing goodbye."
Now, somehow, I have a problem with the concept of fun and Catholicism mixing in any way so I was pretty wary of this event. (I can legally say this stuff, I was a Catholic before I joined the "Church of 'Let's Just Play Along And See If We Can Still Get Into Heaven" church). I mean, sure it had the elements of a regular rock concert, bodacious topless babes straddling their boyfriend's shoulders, well sort of, they were topless but that just meant they weren't wearing veils, and they were straddling their boyfriend's shoulders but they placed phonebooks between the shoulders and the garden of earthly delights ....
(you're still too Catholic to be feeling comfortable about that last paragraph ...move on )
So, here's the kicker, Del Amitri was great, they just seem too wimped-out when I hear them on the radio but, and I wasn't even stoned, they were a surprisingly cool live band. I don't want to push it and let Bruce Hornsby off the hook but I'll just say I didn't catch enough of his show to give a fair opinion.
See you on a future Monday!
If you need a fix, check out the non-spell-checked
archives!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV,
Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape
05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars,
if they should bar wars, don't let them end.
06/07/99 Amnesia & Other Excuses, Film
Critics on Weed, Last Random Notes
06/14/99 Surly Rantings; Yes Virginia, there
is a Rastler Governor; The Clipboard Gauntlet
06/28/99 Is Dave Matthews Cool?; Surfin' Safari;
Safety Trip Tips; Patch Adams & Other Random Notes
Let us know if you want to be
on the subscriber list at carp18@aol.com
it's free and we are not connected with any
online casinos or any other internet parasites
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
