M o n d a y M u d
Volume Uno Issue 20, August 2nd, 1999
I think that cars today
are almost the exact equivalent of the great Gothic cathedrals: I mean the
supreme creation of an era, conceived with passion by unknown artists, and
consumed in image if not in usage by a whole population which appropriates
them as a purely magical object.
- Roland Barthes
Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live
In cars
--Gary Numan
(lyrics reprinted without permission
yadda, yadda yadda)
Well, actually, those days are somewhat behind me now that I carry the responsibility of this weekly online column. Now I concentrate more on responsible journalism and on conveying an uplifting message of hope rather than the selfish pursuit of drug-enhanced euphoria and the always tempting temporal temptations of the flesh. Last week I promised each and every one of you 60 cult members (we're down from 100 now that I don't check the page as often) an article entitled "Fear & Loathing in Paul Bunyan Land" and by jingles, that means you're going to get an article with that name. Now here's the problem ...
The Sun Was in My Eyes
Okay, I've been writing the Mud for about 6 months now and I've done a pretty
good job of avoiding a set topic or a theme of any kind. I mean, it makes
Seinfeld look like War & Peace (which was originally titled "War,
What is it Good For?"). I had every intention of rounding up my notes
from my vacation up north which were scribbled on cigarette packs, matchbooks
and Reddi-wip cans but it turns out my wife threw them away because
she thought it was trash for some reason and, quite honestly, I'm having
a hard time remembering the 10,000 words I wrote in my head from my week-long
retreat in the land of 10,000 lakes (I do have a vague memory of putting
a quarter in a machine somewhere that forced a starving chicken to walk
a tight rope just to get to some corn but I think I'm going to have to give
you more than that).
Perhaps (though it goes against my writing technique) if I rambled for a bit, some of the details will come back to me and I can fulfill my obligation. But, before I attempt that trick, I also have to explain the rough week I had and maybe you good readers will cut me some slack.
The Perfect Circle
Before I left for my vacation, I had been working on my most demanding project
yet. A client approached my company and requested a perfect circle to be
cut so that they could use it as a symbol of quality control and to apply
it to their mission statement of the perfection that could be achieved by
their core competency, a paradigm of faultless excellence if you will.
Well, you can guess who the "chosen one" was for this assignment and under normal circumstances I would be up to the challenge. Unfortunately, it happened to land on my plate just hours before I was about to embark on my week-long vacation/pursuit of spiritual edification, and, let's just say the drugs kicked in a little before I punched out that day.
I remember sweating through the procedure and regretting, somewhat, my decision to let my altered mind start my vacation before my body did. You have to understand that I've been vacationing up north for many years now and I have everything timed just perfectly so that as I drive by Mille Lacs at sunset, it is an experience equal to, or better, than the last 12 minutes of 2001 Space Odyssey. Words from this planet can't even describe the glowing vision of Avalon known as the buffet table at the Grand Casino .... mmmmmmm (shiver), gravy oil slick.
Yeah, I'm one of the best Styrofoam® circle cutters in the business but cutting a perfect circle in Styrofoam is really pushing it, if it was particle board or Velveeta® I might be able to sign off on it, but with Stryo, I could guarantee 358, maybe 359 degrees, nothing more ... at least with a clear conscience. I'll tell yuh what it does take ... it takes a clear mind ...
Jackson Browne: A clear mind to take it, or a clear mind not to take it?
David Lindley: A clear mind .................. to make it!
Jackson Browne: Snort, guffaw, pppppshwwwww, chuckle, chuckle!
Sorry folks, I promised myself I wouldn't do shit like that anymore ... now back to the story ...
So after I cut the circle, my boss sez,
"Gather T. is it perfect?"
He was holding out the sign-off sheet and a red Pilot Sc-uf marker and was surrounded by the beaming clients in the Armani suits. Actually, they weren't beaming, they were glowing, they looked like Devo in Human Highway.
I kept my face down to the floor a bit so they couldn't see the reds of my eyes, grabbed the sign-off sheet and scribbled GTS in big ol' letters on the bottom line.
"The date too, Gather T." said the boss.
Now the pressure was really on. The date? I didn't see this one coming. Let's see, is July a "6" or a "7" I've hosed this one up on many a check (even in the drug-free hours of the early morning) and they always get cashed I've noticed. Eeenie-meenie-minie-mo..... 7! I write "7" everybody's smiling at me in approval, I'm doing good, now for the date .... out of the corner of my eye I see the date on one of the client's Rolex®'s so I pull that one off easily. Now comes the year, the easy part .... oh shit! Oh God, I'm trying to think, are we past the Y2K thing yet or not? I haven't seen any in-depth exposés by Tom Brokaw on this lately, perhaps we're in the next millennium. I take a chance and start making a zero, my boss clears his throat and starts singing real quiet out of the corner of his mouth...
"Tonight we're gonna party like it's 19 ...."
Oh I can't think of the words, I've never been too good with lyrics, I always thought Clapton was singing "I wanna be your bald-headed man" and Fogelberg really threw me off with that "someday we're gonna nerstand, someday we're gonna nerstand." What is it with rock stars and their "wanna"s and their "gonna"s?
Okay, so I'm running through the lyrics in my head, the sky was all purple there were people running everywhere .... I got a lion in my pocket and baby he's ready to roar ... I knew a little girl named Nikki, you could say she was a sex fiend, I met her in a hotel lobby ... you didn't have the decency to change the sheets ... cuz you had a pocket full of Trojans® and some of them used ... excuse me but I need a mouth like yours ... act your age, not your shoe size ... 2000 zero zero party over oops out of time so tonight I'm gonna party like it's ....
Eureka!
I scribble "99" and hand the sign-off sheet back to big boss man, the suits pop open bottles of Moet & Chandon and toast to "The Perfect Circle". I dash off to the time clock wondering if I'm going to be able to enjoy one decent buzz on my vacation and if the artist formerly known as Prince is going to shut down my website.
I hop in my '76 Plymouth Volaré and fire that mother up. Nothing like the sound and security of a slant-six clattering away like dancing skeletons from a 1930s animated short. Those slant-sixes'll run forever.
It's officially my vacation but I have to purge my mind of my responsibility or I'll never have a good time and dammit, I like to have a good time. Luckily, I find a roach in the ash tray, probably from the previous owner, and I think, what the hell, maybe it'll get my mind off that final job I worked on.
I flip on my CD player and REM's "Murmur" is playing. Man that sounds good, it's one of those classic recordings that I'll never get tired of listening to, kind of like "Sloppy Seconds" by Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show. My mind drifts back to the early 80's, working in the bakery cleaning dead rats out of the dumpsters with a high-pressure hose and listening to REM's Murmur. I'll never forget that piece of vinyl and how REM messed with the minds of Indie America with their clever "which side is which?" marking of the record label, never knowing for sure if the first song was "Radio Free Europe" or "Catapult". It wasn't until it came out on CD that I finally got some closure on that issue. Ahhh leave it to those crazy Athenians. They've put out many a classic recording since those magical days, but, none will ever have the everlasting staying power of that one, except for "Chronic Town" of course. Okay, so Murmur and Chronic Town ... well, if I'm gonna throw Chronic Town in I have to include "Dead Letter Office" since they merged the two for CD and that it's just one of my all time faves. And why leave out "Reckoning" if I'm cutting some slack here? Maybe I'll draw the line at "Fables of the Reconstruction", or was it "Reconstruction of the Fables"? It depended on which label you looked at. Anyway, I'll never get tired of listening to Murmur. I wonder what James Lileks had for breakfast today? I'll bet he had the Grand Slam® at Denny's. I wonder what ever happened to Pylon?
Pull your dress on and stay real close
Who might leave you where I left off?
A perfect circle of acquaintances and friends
Drink another, coin a phrase
Heaven assumed, shoulders high in the room
Heaven assumed, shoulders high in the room
Heaven assumed, shoulders high in the room
I do a spit-take that would have made Tommy Chong proud. Did he say "perfect circle?" Damn man! I can't have this music ruining my vacation. I pull the CD out and fling it out my window into a ditch somewhere near 169 and the Crosstown. Now that I've revealed the location, you can go ahead and try to find it but you have to keep in mind that this is fiction so the choice is up to you.
By the way, for all you inexperienced readers of fiction out there, this whole business with the perfect circle? Pay close attention, it's gonna come up again, it's called "foreshadowing".
Is it just me or do you think I should lay off the hootch a little bit?
Okay, I can see by the clock on the wall that our time is up. I'm sure if you're still with me you're wondering why the hell I put not just 1, but 2 quotes about cars at the top of the page and I haven't even mentioned cars that much yet. If you've been hanging in with the Mud for the past 6 months you'll know that it's all part of that "edge of your seat" cliffhanger thing and if it wasn't resolved in this issue, you know it will be all squared away in the next exciting installment of the Monday Mud!
The Pontoon Expedition
"... the key to a successful pontoon-boat expedition is knowing exactly how stoned to get. I'd been pontooning this chain of lakes for many years and have accumulated navigational charts and skipper's notes that would fill a small maritime museum. The trick is to calculate the dimensions of the lake, the wind & current conditions and which CDs to bring onboard. You then tie the steering wheel into a locked position based on these calculations and then with a little help from your Zen, you have found the perfect circle!
Your First Trip to the Liquor Store ... in a Boat!
"... sure you've
parked a car in many liquor store lots in your life, anyone can fake a good
parking job, the white lines are pretty far apart. But when you're at the
helm of a 22-foot Kennedy with a 20 horse Evinrude doing 8
knots (or is it nauts?) with Fountains of Wayne's "Go, Hippie"
cranked up on your boombox, your mind engulfed in a whirlwind of wah-wah
pedal guitar tracks as you careen toward the docks, you must remember this
... "the sea giveth and the sea taketh away ..."
Toto, We're Not in Surdyk's Anymore
"... sure when you're down in the cities you can be the ultimate wine snob as you scour the aisles for that perfect Cabernet. But now you're north of Brainerd, there's nary a copy of the Pulse in sight and you might find yourself settling for less ..."
Necessity is The Mother of Invention
"... I was out of papers and I had neither the time nor the energy to head into town. Suddenly, my wife reminded me for the 3rd time that we had run out toilet paper and that there was only 1 square inch of aluminum foil left. I bounded into the cabin, dug the toilet paper roll out of the garbage and with the help of a dull paring knife and the remainder of the foil, fashioned a crude but useable pipe. When I got back to the dock carrying the new Tom Petty CD, everything was cool and I was ready to deal with the kids again ..."
The Pontoon Expedition "Part Deux"
"... sure, cruising on the pontoon on automatic pilot at sunset with track #8 from Sgt. Pepper's transcending from the box while stoned out your gourd might sound cliché, but I guarantee, that for one brief moment out of each year, there is a God."
Still Listening to Sgt. Pepper's But More Like Clevis, the Slack-jawed Yokel Would
"... I've never heard Sgt. Pepper's the way I'm hearing it now, as 'Good Morning, Good Morning' fades out with animal sound effects as it heads into the Sgt. Pepper's Reprise I realize that this record was made when stereo was still a gift from the gods and not just a birthright that could be taken for granted (or something like that, I lost the matchbook that the profound revelation was scrawled on.)"
The Pontoon Expedition "Part Trois"
"... as we approached the 'No-Wake' area of the channel, Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds' be jamming out of the box, the whole family is dancing on the pontoon as the dogs, Swamp Thing & Daffy are swiping walleyes out of the lake with their massive paws.
We pass a 32-foot loon carved out of wood, gazing at us with its intense red eyes from the shore. For what reason it is there, it remains unclear, most of the carved loons we see near the docks are smaller than a school bus but not this one.
Have I mentioned that I was stoned out of my gourd yet? I mention it again because that element is always integral to these stories.
We pass a pontoon boat full of well-dressed, silver-haired couples out for an after-dinner cruise. They're staring straight ahead as if there's something about our rig that doesn't meet their acceptance. Suddenly it becomes important for me to communicate that, though, through different means, we are both in the pursuit of relaxation and personal nirvana. I want to shout out to them 'Hey, we're on the same team!' but instead, I give them a simple wave, the official sign of peace and understanding on the high seas of the Northern Minnesota lake communities.
They take a moment to confer and soon elect one of their own elders to respond with a simple wave back ..."
Well isn't that hunky-dory? Through the use of previews I believe I may have fulfilled my promise of that article I said I was going to write.
Hope to see y'all next week!
Be sure and check out the archives in case you
feel you've missed any important stuff!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV,
Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape
05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars,
if they should bar wars, don't let them end.
06/07/99 Amnesia & Other Excuses, Film
Critics on Weed, Last Random Notes
06/14/99 Surly Rantings; Yes Virginia, there
is a Rastler Governor; The Clipboard Gauntlet
06/28/99 Is Dave Matthews Cool?; Surfin' Safari;
Safety Trip Tips; Patch Adams & Other Random Notes
07/12/99 Summertime Blues, Unemployment Fantasy
#1, Still on Dave Matthews Case, Catholic Rock Festivals
07/26/99 Shakepeare in Lust; Reddi, Wip GO!
What the Puck? A Rare Moment of Reflection
Let us know if you want to be
on the subscriber list at carp18@aol.com
it's free and we are not connected with any
online casinos or any other internet parasites
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire
