M o n d a y M u d
Volume Uno Issue 21, August 9th, 1999
Okay godammit, I was about to go to bed but maybe I have time for a quick one, a Mud-lite if you will.
One pill makes you larger, and
one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall
And if you go chasing rabbits,
and you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar has given you the call
And call Alice, when she was just small
When the men on the chessboard
get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom, and your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice, I think she'll know
When logic and proportion have
fallen sloppy dead
And the white knight is talking backwards
And the red queen's off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head, feed your head
All right, I'm back, I'm in too much of a hurry to provide the legal jargon for reprinting a song without permission, but, did I print it? Or is it just an illusion in cyber space? I don't remember seeing any ink around. Okay, I'm starting to guilt out here even though the chances of Grace Slick finding this page are pretty slim. Like, what are we up to? 60 readers now? A handful of friends, a few relatives, a bunch of people Dave works with ... and Grace Slick.
You ever notice how they love to throw that song into the soundtrack of retro 60's movies at the point where they break out the scoob? Just once I'd like to see 'em throw in a random track by the Chocolate Watchband or the 13th Floor Elevators just for something different. And speaking of music ...
Has anybody heard the station in town? WLOL? As soon as I heard those call letters I could hear Monty Burns's sinister voice in my head saying "Begin the thawing of Hines & Berglund!"
Okay, a quick segue ... a few weeks ago I took a sardonic jab at Howard Stern but for those of you not hooked on sardonics, you may have missed it. Next thing you know, they pull the Sternmeister from the local airwaves. Now I'm not saying I'm responsible but if you remember a few months ago when I made that joke about the Symbionese Liberation Army and a couple weeks later they're yanking Kathleen Soliah out of her house for mug shots without even giving her a chance to put on makeup! Those bastards! We're the ones who have to look at that picture!
Here's my theory ... I'm starting to think that perhaps the internet is being used as a tool by the FBI, they developed it and they are actually disguising themselves as AOL. I'm sure some of you might think I'm being paranoid but hear me out. At first I thought maybe it involved aliens too, like they were in cahoots ... now that's paranoid! No, if the aliens have any involvement at all it's probably through Prodigy or Compuserve.
The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I'm sure an FBI agent has better things to do than drive to libraries and video stores to check up on what we're into. This way, they can kick back in their office with a snack and watch their monitor as we put in our requests to search engines (hey, do you all use www.dogpile.com?), read our emails and check out our web pages and figure out what crimes we could be connected with and be out of the office by 5:00.
As an AOL user (hey, I figured I owed 'em after getting all those free discs!) I've noticed that I never get email on Wednesdays. I'm thinking that this is the day when the FBI puts the cork in the Internet and starts reading all our emails (like the postman with the postcards in the days of yore).
When I think about it, would the postal carriers really want to read postcards? "Wish you were here, blah, blah, blah," then the writing starts getting progressively smaller so the writer can squeeze in their name ....
You know ... I'm starting to lose interest in this theory. It's starting to remind me of my teen years when we thought the FBI was observing us. Or it could've been the CIA or KAOS it didn't matter, we were just enjoying the notion that somebody gave a shit about us. Yeah, I could picture a high level meeting in Washington D.C. back in the 70's:
"Jensen, what information do we have on that sophomore, Gather T. Swanson from Tabor Hollow High?"
"Well Sir, according to our reports, he was seen knocking over somebody's mailbox late Friday night, has 4 drive-in theater speakers hidden in his basement and was seen purchasing a nickel bag of Illinois ditchweed."
"And what conclusion can you draw from this information Jensen?"
"Well Sir, the destruction of the mailbox is seen as a blatant attack against the American government and its properties. We think the drive-in speakers are in an attempt to build a Quadraphonic Hi-Fi system, we also saw him at the mall purchasing a Discreet Quad copy of Aerosmith"s "Rocks'."
"LP or cassette?"
"LP, Sir."
"What about the low-grade marijuana?"
"We're assuming it's to be used after the Quad project is complete."
"But why?"
"Sir, we're talking Quad here. Once you've heard those galloping horses from "Back in the Saddle" through 4-separate channels you'll never go back to 2-channel stereo. The marijuana will be used to enhance the euphoria and amazement threshhold to the state of what we call 'Slack-jaw Yokelism."
"And why does he do this?"
"It's an act of rebellion against President Nixon."
"But Ford is the president now."
"I know, but now he just really loves smoking pot."
"Oh, well, we'll let him go for now. Perhaps someday we can track his activities on a super computer of some kind, imagine a world where all the citizens would be linked together in some type of world-wide, ummm, thing, a deal like a spider web."
"Pardon my disrespect Sir but that's just unfathomable! Have you been watching Rollerball again?"
Ooops! Let's get back to the point of the story!
So this new station ... for a couple days they were presenting different formats, sugar-free jazz, Big Chill, Barry White etc. I don't know why they we're doing it, I was actually getting a little jazzed when I heard music by real African Americans (other than Jimi) since that's a rarity in these parts but I was shocked when they landed on their final format ....
CLASSIC FUCKING ROCK!
So what's the deal? Anybody with a 50-billion watt transformer and a copy of Rumours & Hotel California can start a radio station? Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you WLOL!
UGGGHHHHHHHHHHH I can't fucking take it anymore! I think I'm gonna yuke!
Wait ... I'm starting to feel better. Now I'm debating, should I delete all that bitching? .... Naw, I'll leave it, nobody reads this shit anyway.
You know, maybe there is no such thing as good commercial radio. It's designed for people who are happy listening to all those familiar songs and hey, more power to 'em. I certainly have a weak spot for some classic rock but enough is enough. Even if there was an adventurous station on the air I'd still be bitching ...
"Oh did you hear hear that Buzzcocks song "What Do I Get" followed by Sebadoh, The Old 97's, Fountains of Wayne, Curtis Mayfield and a vintage live track of Johnny Cash singing "Dirty Old Egg Sucking Hound?" this morning? How cliché!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Damn, I was just going to write a few words and now I think I hear the birds chirping. Looks like I've written 1,500 words (although a couple hundred are "fuck" and a couple hundred are "you"). I didn't even get to the good stuff yet, including my Saturday night experience in Sharky's in downtown Hilltop (the little city with the highest crime rate in the metro! At least that's what it sez on their city limits sign).
Guess it'll have to wait till next week, I'm sure you're just dying to hear about it!
And the "Fear & Loathing in Paul Bunyan Land" story I promised you? Fuck it, that's yesterday's news, I'm too busy with the future to dwell on the past.
I think this week I'll put a little more time into my writing and produce a quality piece for y'all. Just once I'd like to try that instead of winging it on a Sunday night so be prepared for some real literature next week. Feel free to email me if you have any suggestions but keep in mind that we have a PG-13 rating here.
I read in the paper that there's a book out now by Hemingway where he gives you tips on how to write. I'll save you the 20 bucks and give you the recipe: 1 part gin, 3 parts tonic, add a dash of fornication and then go kill a bull elephant or catch a big fish ... instant Hemingway!
Have a good week and think of me next time you hear a Fleetwood Mac song!
Be sure and check out the archives in case you
feel you've missed any important stuff!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV,
Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape
05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars,
if they should bar wars, don't let them end.
06/07/99 Amnesia & Other Excuses, Film
Critics on Weed, Last Random Notes
06/14/99 Surly Rantings; Yes Virginia, there
is a Rastler Governor; The Clipboard Gauntlet
06/28/99 Is Dave Matthews Cool?; Surfin' Safari;
Safety Trip Tips; Patch Adams & Other Random Notes
07/12/99 Summertime Blues, Unemployment Fantasy
#1, Still on Dave Matthews Case, Catholic Rock Festivals
07/26/99 Shakespeare in Lust; Reddi, Wip GO!
What the Puck? A Rare Moment of Reflection
08/02/99 The Sun Was in My Eyes; The Perfect
Circle; Previews for What Was Supposed to be This Week
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