M o n d a y M u d
Volume Uno Issue 22, August 16th, 1999
Sometimes I feel like an unfrozen caveman, unable to understand and deal with issues and events of this modern world. Which leads me to my first topic, MP3 files, then if I have any time remaining, I can talk a little bit about Tom Hanks, glass service replacement companies and Limp Bizkit.
Often I forget that I'm here on a weekly basis to somehow help Carp 18 (it's a band) sell CDs over the internet. I've devoted very little of my time to them because I tend to forget how exactly that's supposed to work anyway. Besides, I've gotten a little carried away with the popularity of my column and am suffering from, what they call in the industry, "The Mclean Stevenson Syndrome." That's where you get a little too big for your breeches, leave a successful ensemble vehicle to strike out on your own, then end up hawking smoke detectors on late night TV.
So back to my bread & butter, Carp 18 and the Rough Fish World Empire. I'm approaching the halfway point of my 52-issue contract with the band and their parent company and I've barely talked about them. Actually, I've barely talked about anything now that I think about it. I was off to a good start and I had no intentions whatsoever toward all this drug talk that you may have noticed in recent weeks but I can explain ...
At heart, I'm a product of the 70s and I can' t help it. The 70s is a little hard to explain if you weren't there but it was essentially like the 60s, except you weren't required to make any contributions to social evolution in order to earn your recreational drug & casual sex rights. It was just there for the taking ... thanks Hippies! The only catch was that nobody officially told us that the Vietnam War was over so I always had that damn thing hanging over my head, sometimes ruining a good buzz. So here's the deal ...
I had done pretty well at closing that decade for good, it was difficult because it was a good party that seemed like it would never end, but then Ronald Reagan and Thomas Dolby showed up and everyone went home. By late '79, I was doing pretty good, I had buried all my Steely Dan & Supertramp LPs in a deep hole miles out in the woods; I sold my Chevy Monza, traded all my wide ties and guitar straps for skinny ones and purchased my first condom for protection. There was just one thing remaining ... to quit smoking pot!
Do you have one of those notepads "Things to do today?" Somewhere along the line I had received the "Mortality Edition Things to Do Today Gift Set" and I used it religiously. Basically, you would provide your date of birth, gender & lifestyle information to the company and they would calculate your approximate life expectancy and send you out the pack with the days remaining printed on each page. I cheated a little bit on the lifestyle questionnaire, it wasn't that hard to figure out how to beat the quiz but I hosed up on the Dannon Yogurt section and they only gave me 72 years. Oh well, could have been worse.
It was a little daunting having the words "Things to do today ... or at least within 18,980 days!" staring you in the face as you wrote things like, "send in car insurance check, buy Pecan Sandies & Lucky Charms, quit smoking weed, finish college" but I'll tell ya, it worked! Except for that part about smoking weed, I was looking back at some old entries and I noticed that one written every December 31st. Of course, underneath, it would usually say "pick up weed for New Years Eve party, BUT ONLY ENOUGH TO LAST TILL MIDNIGHT GATHER T., THIS IS THE YEAR BABY!"
Most people usually just detail their tasks for the day but I noticed that mine included a journal entry as well, here's an example from December, 1979:
"It's 10:00 A.M. and I'm stoned out my gourd watching the Gary Collins Show. I'm supposed to be in my macroeconomics class but I'm not groovin into it. I mean, on one hand, you have John Kenneth Galbraith saying economics works ... you know ... one way ... and this other dude sayin' it works .. you know ... like the opposite. I ain't goin back till they straighten this shit out. Wow, 1979, that would be a great song title ... naw ... that would be stupid. Garry Collins' first guest is a sociologist who is going to predict what the 80's will be known as in the history books of the future ... he sez that it will be "The Purple Decade" ... wow ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... oh man ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... hmmm ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... what? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... go Christmas shopping, go buy some Pinwheel cookies, quit smoking weed."
Okay, you get the point but I swear, for the most part, I finally kicked the habit, but then something changed ...
The era that I hold dear to my heart has become nostalgia. It started with movies like Dazed & Confused and The Stoned Age. Next came That 70s Show, Studio 54, The Velvet Goldmine, The Last Days of Disco, Boogie Nights, The Summer of Sam, Dick, Detroit Rock City, Brokedown Palace and the list goes on and on!
I guess that an old stoner can be teased so much before they take action. I mean, it's been a rough year for me, first I've been toyed with by Dave Matthews and his Pied Piper melodies singing "Come on Gather T., my music really is cool, just take another hit and it will remove all doubt. Your era is over and I am the future. Someday you'll bury all your Neil Young records in that hole in the woods." (Actually, Dave Matthews doesn't have exact lyrics like that, I'm just saying it's "as if" he were saying that).
Then that whole Woodstock thing threw me off for a bit. I heard that the organizer of the event said the problem with the first 2 Woodstocks was that they didn't make money. It left me wondering if maybe I'd missed the point of what the one and only Woodstock festival was about. But I did like the rioting part, that was cool.
I really didn't pay attention to the event because it seemed to have about as much meaning as a Ted Nugent concert on the 4th of July (I don't know what that means but it's too late now, I don't feel like backspacing) but I did catch a brief performance by Limp Bizkit on MTV, or was it VH1? Whichever is the one without game shows.
Anyway, I have to thank Limp Bizkit for making me feel good that I'm past my prime for keeping up on rock music. I mean, my heart went out to all those poor kids who were pumping their fists forward like OJ Simpson as they kept time with the Bizkit's aggressive beat. I don't know what they sing about or if they're being accused of warping the minds of teens or what, I just think they suck. But, if they make kids feel tormented and confused about their roles in society and generate a sense of contempt for their elders and the establishment then I'd have to say that Limp Bizkit is doing a damn fine job and we should all give them a hand!
In a few years, somebody even more despicable will hit the scene and the Bizkit will join Elvis, The Stones, Alice Cooper, Marylin Manson, Guns & Roses, The Professor and Mary Ann in that exclusive club of generational troublemakers who now play golf.
Oh yeah, I was going to write about Carp 18 and their MP3 site. Oh well, I'm running out of time, I'll get to that next week. In the meantime, go to their site and download a sound file. Right now there are just selections from Russian Racehorse which I'm sure most of you own but they'd appreciate that you download a file anyway.
In the near future there will be some Carp rarities and Racehorse outtakes (maybe outtakes isn't the right word, that would be more like where they flub a chord and everybody laughs about it .... yeah, I guess outtakes is the right word).
And speaking of Russian Racehorse (which
can be ordered by clicking here) 
that is one of those unique CDs that sounds
great when you're straight, drunk or stoned. From a personal note, I recommend
getting very stoned and listening to Man on a Mission especially
the last 30-45 seconds. The experience is equal to a high-speed train collision
but without the hassles of broken bones and loss of blood, check it out,
it's fun!
Now, back to my story, where was I? I have to wrap it up quick because I hear the birds chirping outside and I need to catch a few winks before I drive through high-speed metro traffic then cut precision parts all day, plus I have to dig out a skinny tie so I can go catch Blondie's show at the Guthrie. Oh screw it! I'll finish the story next week but I'll leave you with a few random vignettes:
I squeezed in a quick trip to Prince's (I realize I'm supposed to called him "The Artist blah, blah, blah but I'm running low on patience) garage sale at Paisley Park today before running over to Como Park to enjoy the Japanese Lantern Lighting Ceremony. I was looking at a big pile of non-working keyboards (that perhaps people would buy just because the Prince of the Purple Decade played them) and talking to Prince's keyboard technician and found out what insiders call him ...
"Dude"
Here's some more scoop on another Minnesota legend, Bob Dylan. I have it from a very reliable inside source that his favorite form of exercise is boxing and that, get this .... he stinks.
For some weird reason, Garth Brooks has created a new singing character with long hair and a soul patch. I guess he's supposed to be like one of the Backstreet Boys or something ... I thought I was having problems.
I don't know if this part is true or not but in his quest to sell more music than the Beatles, Garth is being forced to shift his marketing plan over to the Crab Nebula. He was, and I can't back this up, reported to have said:
"There's been a lot of talk over the years about other forms of intelligent life out in the universe. But heck, what if they're not all that swift after all, like my fans here on Earth?"
Garth and his crew will be launched from Cape Canaveral this Friday. They should be expected to return in about 64 billion light years (please, no emails from science majors).
I don't know if it was a fluke or what, but last week the Monday Mud's page hits more than doubled! On last count it was around 130 or so. We are not alone.
Carp 18, for whatever reason, has been receiving attention from fans in the far eastern regions of Russia. They still can't get a call back from the Turf Club though.
Did I forget to finish that story about cutting the perfect circle? Let's just throw a Gomer Pyle ending on that one and call it done.
Watched the Thin Red Line the other night and was trying to remember if it was considered good or not so that I didn't have to form my own opinion. I remember Tom Barnard talking about but I don't remember if he said it was the best movie he ever saw in his life, or the worst movie he ever saw in his life.
Is it just me or is Nick Nolte starting to look like the Toxic Avenger?
I'm still considering adding a hypertext glossary to the Mud to help people wade through the obscure references. Heck, it might even come in hand when I'm writing this shit!
I tried to quit smoking weed last night and performed the "smoking of my last pinches of weed" ceremony & to purge the 70s from my system in style. I celebrated by digging out my bicentennial bong from my 76-78 music & paraphenelia box in the storage room. After I was good and toasted I flipped on SNL and it was classic Steve Martin.
I've decide to give it another month.
I hate that commercial on the radio where the guy calls his insurance agent to report a fender bender and the sexy insurance lady sez:
"Oh, are you all right?"
The last time I called my agent at Indiana Sharecropper's Insurance to have my 23 year-old windshield replaced, my agent said"
"What'yuh think we're made of money?"
Somewhere in the middle of America, perhaps you'd have to take a map and put a string from California to the New York Island, then from the Redwood Forest (which is actually in California too) to the Gulf Stream Waters, you'd find a town where some lady is in her home yelling to her husband:
"Harold! Come here quick! It's that commercial where that adorable little girl is ordering a Pepsi with a Mafia Boss voice!
Yeah, somewhere there's a town where the citizens are buying the whole kit & kaboodle.
Took the kids to see Tarzan the other day. None of us wanted to go but we just thought we had to. I can't tell you how great it was to hear Phil Collins' voice again .... really ... I can't tell you that.
Here's one for our new comrades in Russia:
Q: How can you tell if your roommate is ÏÈÏÖÉÈ ÓÌÏx ÎÅ ÎÁÊÄÅÎÏ?
A: Check and see if his ÁxÉÌØÎÏÓÔÉ tastes like ÎÁxÏÚ!
I've been enjoying the fan mail and would love to reprint some of the comments I've received but in the interest of privacy, the fact that I respect yours, I won't post anything people write unless they specify that they would like to see their letter to a fictional character posted on a web site that gets 100 hits a week.
Here's an interesting one that I have permission to post that you might find interesting:
Dear Gather T.,
I'm agent Jensen of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Coaxial Citizen Surveillance Division. I'm the agent who has been assigned to keep any eye on you for the rest of your life (which is a little up in the air now that I found out you lied on the yogurt questions).
I'm writing to complain about your accusation that the FBI reads everyone's emails on Wednesdays which is completely untrue. Once again, we find you making these grand blanket accusations without any shred of fact or data to back up your claims. God you haven't changed since high school have you?
We at the Bureau have better things to do on Wednesdays than read all you peoples' boring emails about what time you're going to meet after work, what to pick up for dinner and who's diddling who! By the way, is that really true about Gloria and Eduardo?
Wednesdays at the Bureau are very busy, we call it "hump day" and sometimes it just feels like an upward struggle till we get past lunch, then it's all downhill for the rest of the week! We read all the emails on Thursdays.
I'm sorry that quadrophonic sound never caught on but you should be happy with Pro-Logic and and Dolby Digital Surround. The aliens helped us quite a bit with that technology and it's much easier for us at the Bureau to listen in on your conversations now.
Take care and have a good week!
Agent Jensen
Coaxial Division
PS: you should really lay off the weed, it seems like it's making you paranoid.
I gotta run! Hope to see you next week!
Be sure and check out the archives in case you
feel you've missed any important stuff!
02/15/99 Orientation
02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean &
EBay
03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret
Code, Ruby Tuesday's
03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee
At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast
03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections
and Influences
03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part
Deux"
03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest
04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!", Amateur
Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer
04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on
Commercials, The Masters Tournament
04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life
During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview
04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny
Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files
05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies
the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch
05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV,
Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape
05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars,
if they should bar wars, don't let them end.
06/07/99 Amnesia & Other Excuses, Film
Critics on Weed, Last Random Notes
06/14/99 Surly Rantings; Yes Virginia, there
is a Rastler Governor; The Clipboard Gauntlet
06/28/99 Is Dave Matthews Cool?; Surfin' Safari;
Safety Trip Tips; Patch Adams & Other Random Notes
07/12/99 Summertime Blues, Unemployment Fantasy
#1, Still on Dave Matthews Case, Catholic Rock Festivals
07/26/99 Shakespeare in Lust; Reddi, Wip GO!
What the Puck? A Rare Moment of Reflection
08/02/99 The Sun Was in My Eyes; The Perfect
Circle; Previews for What Was Supposed to be This Week
08/09/99 Has the Mud Changed the World?;Talkin'
FBI Paranoia Blues; Classic Rock, Have We Had Enough?
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