M o n d a y M u d Gather T. Swanson's Greatest HIts
As far as I know, those were the last words any of us at The Rough Fish World Empire has heard from former (keep your fingers crossed!) Mud columnist Gather T. Swanson.
Hi, I'm Mike Hunt, perennial Rough Fish lackey and lead columnist wannabe. I'd been hoping to take over the column and get it in shape so that it would be easy and enjoyable to read ... just a second ... I'm getting paged ... I'll be right back ...
Sorry, another hang-up call. I hate those!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the state of the Monday Mud. On behalf of the company, The Rough Fish World Empire, I would like to formally apologize to the loyal readers for the mysterious absence of the column for the last 2 MONTHS!!!! We've read the letters and, as a great man once said, "I can feel your pain."
All I can say at this point is that there are going to be some big changes in the Monday Mud and, due to security reasons, I'm not at liberty to discuss them. I work in the B.S. Division of Rough Fish and it's my job to smooth things out to the general public. Now, before you snicker or make any wisecracks about the B.S. Division let me explain.
The acronym actually stands for the "Blame Sponge" Division. You can make all the smart-ass comments you want, I've heard them all but in upcoming years you'll be used to the term, it's predicted to be one of the leading career opportunities of the next millennium.
In a nutshell, we are a public-relations department equipped to handle blame in nearly every capacity. It's been a rapidly growing field, especially with Y2K approaching, companies have been staffing up like crazy. A tip of the hat to Dow Chemical is a must for me and my colleagues. Without them and their strides forward in this area, I don't think I'd have a job today.
You're probably familiar with people like us already, anytime there's a big screw-up at a big company or government agency we're the sullen, apologetic-looking schlubbs that have to take shit from your familiar heroes like (excuse our private nicknames) Peter "the Canuck" Jennings, Mike "Wrinkle-meat" Wallace, Tom "Sodak" Brokaw, Diane "Jiggly Puff" Sawyer, Dan "B. O. Plenty" Rather and "Backseat" Barbara Walters.
Sure, we look sincere don't we? But just think of Meg Ryan's restaurant scene in "When Harry Met Sally" and listen as I break your heart (for legal reasons, the company names are purely fictional):
"On behalf of Schmuckers we apologize for the raspberry jam seeds that have become permanently lodged between the victim's molars"
"We, at Acme Incorporated extend our most heartfelt sympathies to the young coyote pups left behind by the unfortunate victim."
"We had no prior knowledge that this episode of Chin Pokemon would induce epileptic seizures."
"Please believe me when I tell you the Procto Silo Company had no knowledge the the weaker-stronger dial isn't hooked up to any heat control element. And yes, our $9.99 per ounce cleaner is common vinegar."
"Panaschlonic will promptly remove the graphic on the keypad that shows a child putting the family cat in the cooking chamber and will soon be sending out gift certificates good at any particapting Petco."
"We at the Love American Style Broadcasting Companies intended no malicious mind-game strategies when we switched Darrins on an unsuspecting public."
"On behalf of Boris Masterseargent and Wavy Windshield Services the answer is "No, the muscle structure is similar but they're not exactly cattle."
"We at Uranus Records formally admit that Ray Batthews song arrangements are too "busy."
Anyway, you get the idea ... oh ... excuse me ... I'm getting paged again.
Okay ... I'm back. Just another hang up call, it's weird, I've been getting them all day. Well, actually ever since I've worked here. Come to think of it, pretty much my whole life no matter where I worked. There must be another Mike Hunt out there somewhere getting my phone calls.
So, I was prepared to give you more info about what the heck happened to Swanson and what all this flap is about Mud 2000 but I'm kind of in the mushroom division around here ... they keep me in the dark and feed me a bunch of shit.
Well, all I know is that they asked me to pull some highlights out of previous issues of the Monday Mud and believe me it was no easy task. It's like a 9 month run-on sentence, I had a hard time taking a line out of context but I gave it a shot. I only got as far as that Gus issue so maybe if I find time I'll finish it up in the next few weeks.
After our lawyers finish going through the archives with a fine-tooth comb we'll be posting them again. We've had some complaints that the archives were pulled but I take full responsibility for their disappearance.
In the meantime keep your fingers crossed that I get to take over as lead columnist, I promise you that I'll do a good job and ... just a second ... I'm getting paged again ... I better run!
Wish me luck,
Michael J. Hunt
Who is Gather T. Swanson? Just a man, a man with a dream, a man who likes to write unique pieces of humor in hopes of finding people who appreciate it, are uplifted in some way, who follow his teachings like any good cultists do, perhaps they'll send checks payable to Rough Fish Inc. PO Box 21066 Minneapolis, MN 55421, a man who has decided to use a pen name for various reasons.
Mission Statement: ... I love to write, but in a non linear and unstructured fashion. The Internet is filled with millions of pages of useless crap so maybe my stuff won't look so bad.
Self-imposed Deadline Pressures: Welcome to the 2nd installment of "Monday Mud," I can almost bet that a few of you were thinking "Whoa, I can't believe Gather T. actually hit his first real deadline!" while the rest of you are thinking, "Hey ... this ain't Pamela Lee." Well folks, one thing I've learned this week is that my first deadline (last week's debut) wasn't really a deadline, it was just the day I randomly decided to post the first Monday Mud (which reminds me, I'm not all that thrilled with the name but since I'm not redoing the graphic, I'm sticking with it).
Quotes From Real Humorists & Philosophers: "Wagner's Music isn't as bad as at sounds" -- Mark Twain
Music: ... it turns out, the guys from REO Speedwagon drove through a storm in the mountains .......... like, yeah, I've done that too and it's scary but it didn't inspire me to shriek about it 3 octaves above middle C and hire a damn synthesizer player just to make a siren sound.
Defending the Working Stiffs: A friend of mine worked for Maytag and he said that he got so tired of seeing those signs in the kitchen that said "We don't wash dishes in your toilet, don't piss in our sink!" that he quit the business. Besides, he said that in all the years he repaired refrigerators he didn't know anybody that whizzed in anyone's kitchen sink ... they almost always used the bathroom sink.
Browbeating the Highbrows: To be honest, I've only met a couple people who speak of their coworkers as "colleagues" and when they do, they, first, clear their throat, adjust their horn-rimmed glasses and then utter the above mentioned phrase with a flair in their voice and eyebrows raised high. And I'm thinking, "What is this, a fuckin' George Plimpton impersonation?"
EBay: So this esteemed colleague of mine has become addicted to EBay, the online blah blah blah trading something or other. He merely went to www.ebay.com (I'm only providing the address, not the actual link, I'll give you the syringe but you have to find your own heroin) to find a deal on a guitar, or was it a MiniDisc player? I can't recall, but now he's hooked. At first it was electronics, then it was first edition books, then he started doing all his grocery shopping by auction, bidding on meat & produce items from around the globe; then it started getting weird. He started buying things that you would normally get at a convenience store ...
Smoking Cigarettes: I carefully take the cellophane off the top, rip off that little piece of foil, tap the pack against my left hand (that's when 3 cigarettes ease out of the pack, their beautifully brown speckled filters revealing themselves to the world for the first time since they were packaged by automation out in North Carolina) remove one slender cig from the pack, light the end without the filter and inhale the sweetest hit of tobacco plant laced with 2,347 chemicals that I've ever had the pleasure of tarring my lungs with.
As I'm waiting to exhale, I see my colleague doing the thumbs up accompanied by the question mark eyebrows. As I exhale, the room fills with the finest Carolina cloud I've seen since they pulled Winchesters off the shelves in '73. Not only is my addiction to nicotine confirmed at this moment but to online auctioning as well. I look at my esteemed colleague and say "Yeah, Ebay has been very good to me."
Essays Promised but Never Written: Guitar Shopping at Lunchtime The Grizzlies Vs The Timberwolves & The NBA Gives the Fans the Foam Finger The 60's, The TV Mini Series Subtitled "The Power of the Pigskin" Does Anybody Really Have an Interesting Job? Morning Commute Music ... Astral Weeks or Hang Time?
More Deadline Pressures: It's official, the pressure of this column's "gettin' to me". This is only my 3rd week and I just had my first bad dream about missing a deadline. It's funny how dreams have their own soundtracks and this particular scene was accompanied by the deceptively soothing sounds of "Brick" by Ben Fold's Five. Of course, dream soundtracks are usually scored by the alarm clock set to music and not always integral to the plot of the dream. That differs greatly from the modern movie soundtrack whereby highly paid motion picture marketing executives spend months and months sandblasting the nasal cavities of the Goo Goo Dolls with cocaine while screaming over and over "I said catchy, CATCHY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Childhood Memories From Growing Up in the South: Anyway, one early morn I was having one of those typical dreams that a 12 year old boy would have while lying on a cot in a tent in the wilderness of Georgia 100 miles from home ... I dreamt that I was in an air conditioned split-level watching the Tonight Show. Doc was going for a particularly long trumpet solo, his eyes, red from the demon weed and bulging out of his sockets as if they were ready to explode, his face turning shades of purple unknown even to jersey buyers of the Vikings; Ed's incessant low frequency chuckling slowed down to a smooth idle, then stopped completely with only an occasional whimper from a Bushmill's Irish whiskey-induced body spasm; Johnny, decked out in a spiffy plaid sport coat, had even quit tapping his pencil, his jaw dropped in amazement watching as Doc was getting ready to explode right on national TV. Yes, Doc had taken the challenge, "Play the high note Doc, you can do it, come on, Dizzy can do it, let's hear it!"
Biblical References: I've received a couple subtle comments about the excessive use of profanity in the first couple issues of the Mud and though I think it's been pretty tame by Internet standards, it's probably a good idea to nip it in the fuckin' bud, if you know what I'm saying. I always appreciate humor that doesn't abuse the colorful four-letter words that first made their appearance on Earth as the Old Testamenteers were constructing the infamous Tower of Babel ...
"What? They want us to add another tier ... ? Listen Shithead, you tell those fuckin' bastards to stick it up their ass!"
Relevant Flashback Alerts: Back in 10th grade there was a peaceful transfer student whose father was the new minister at some fuckin' house of worship in our town. His name was Michael Thorncrowner and, in the cruel spirit of the high school years, he was nicknamed Preacher Boy. He was so goddamned pious it didn't even bother him.
Unlike many Goody-Two-Shoes-types, he mingled with the green-army-jacketed-roachclip-carrying-types as if our school had no caste-system at all. Me and eleven other guys who liked to fish together began to respect this guy who was so different, yet so charismatic, and listen to his teachings.
I remember one Spring day, we were sitting by the toking tree out by the back parking lot behind the school. Michael was perched up on a rock and we sat in the grass firing questions at him, perhaps trying to trap him in some web of contradictions but he was too good. A classmate of mine, Judas O'Leary (man, did that guy turn out to be a narc!) was sitting there in his Alice Cooper Welcome to My Nightmare Tour T-shirt and he asked "So, Preacher Boy, how come you never fuckin' swear?"
Preacher Boy looked down for a moment, then raised his right index finger up toward the sky and said "My Grandfather once told me, 'a man who swears, is a man with a small mind."
There was a moment of silence that was broken only by the sound of 12 high school students exhaling at the same time. It was one of the biggest clouds of smoke I'd ever seen. Judas said "Whoa, that is fuckin' heavy, that's some serious shit!"
Football: A year later during gym class we were playing football on a beautiful Spring day. I was on the line facing Preacher Boy who was probably one of the bigger kids in school. Right after the snap he came barreling across the line and in some half-hearted interest in playing the game, I knocked him right on his holy ass. As he hit the earth I heard him utter the Cadillac of the four-letter words ... "FUCK!" I looked at him in shock and disbelief and he smiled and said "Come on Gather T., this is football." At that point I walked off the field never to play the game again ... my work here was done.
Sgt. Snorkels's Secret Code: From this point on I will be using the S.S.S.C. Filter which is now available with the latest version of Microsoft (www.microsoft.com) Word 6.5.9.1&1/16th for the evil Mac. For the uninitiated, the acronym stands for Sgt. Snorkel's Secret Code which is a filter that automatically converts questionable language to symbols (as seen for decades in the cartoon strip Beetle Bailey.)
History & Geography: Just as a side note, most people probably don't know that the Sgt. Snorkel character was based on a real person. Turns out my uncle was stationed with him and the Beetle Bailey cartoonist Mort Walker during dubba-yuh-dubba-yuh-two. They were stationed right outside Sai-Hyguoen on the northeast coast of China, not far from the sheet-rocked section of the Great Wall.
Demitri Snorkelopagus ran the motor pool and he was strikingly similar to the character you're all familiar with. He actually had a front-lower tooth that was about an inch wide and nearly 2 inches high. It didn't even fit under his upper lip so it was always visible and it created a very intimidating presence. The local villagers were fearful of him and had nicknamed him Tsien-tao-chiang-deng which, roughly translated meant The Guy Who Looks Like a Cartoon Character.
My uncle doesn't remember too much about him except that he really loved pizza and walking around in his polka dotted boxer shorts. He just went about his work for the most part complaining how difficult it was to find a pizza in China and wishing someone would issue him a pair of pants ...
The Rules of Ethnic Humor: ... I did happen to catch the show where Jesse made a joke about the drunken Irish and it just seemed about as lame as the rest the patter that was being exchanged. By coincidence I'm 3/4 Irish and 1/4 Slovak (Swanson comes from a mixup at Ellis Island) so by the standards set by the International Consortium of Ethnic Humor, I have the legal right to make a statement ...
"I, Gather T. Swanson, being of Irish heritage, feel that in an effort to be funny and not fall back on yet another Navy SEAL punchline (which he did anyway), the Governor, who I voted for while under the influence of alcohol, meant no intentional harm to my people and was just making, what they used to call, a joke. Of course, what would I know, I'm $*+~-faced 3/4s of the time and not thinking straight 1/4 of the time.
Drinking in a Mall: The waitress asks if I want a drink and though I'm a purist who usually mainlines beer, wine or Scotch on the rocks; I had seen a picture of their colorful drinks outside and was drawn in by them. There was a picture of some blue drink in a big goblet with blue granules around the rim and a damn fish swimming in it. I know I can't make that one at home.
Before I get to utter "Me want blue drink with fish in it." she's rattling off the drink specials with gusto. Then she pauses and hits me with the clincher ... "The Alabama Slamma' on special for $4.25."
My wife says "How much does it normally cost?"
With a radiant beam she says "$4.25."
Now I'm intrigued. "What's in it?" I ask.
"Southern Comfort, Sloe Gin, Peppermint Schnapps, Creme de Menthé, Seagrams 7, Coors, Old Style and Tahitian Treat." She retorts with a gleam in her eye.
"Wow! I look at my wife and say "Honey, that's everything I ever puked on in high school, I gotta try it!"
She says, "Oh Gather T., you're such a card, why don't you just have a martini or something?"
"No, Hon, I have to face my personal demons and what better place than Ruby Tuesdays in Rosedale ..."
Dayjobs: ... in the meantime, the day job is what I still need to focus on to keep food on the table and Rugrats licensed paraphernalia in the kids' toy box. Hey, maybe cutting Styrofoam circles doesn't sound like much to you but that's my gig, I take it seriously and by the way ... I'm damn good at it! When I first started in the biz, I'll have to admit, I wasn't a natural. We're not talking about any automated process here either, this is nothing but one man, one sabre saw .. and a big hunk of Styrofoam. My first day on the job I was cuttin' octagons and ovals left and right and I nearly lost the job right there.
Wise Old Mentors: "Kid, you want some advice from an old goat like me? I ain't smart but I been cuttin' Styrofoam circles ever since they invented the stuff and prior to that, I cut circles straight out of balsa trees with a keyhole saw and before that we used to use honeycombs. Cuttin' them was a bitch cos' we were so busy, we didn't have time to chase the bees out first."
Greenhorn Protegés: It was like I was listening but not really, I was eying the break room and couldn't help but notice a brand new Proctor Silex coffee pot. "Huh?" I said.
Is it a Deadend Job, or is it Zen?: He said "Kid, the funny thing about a circle is ... it has no beginning, and it has no end , I suppose that makes all of it the middle then but I never thought'a that till right now. This hunk'o Styro may look like a square to you but when I look at it, I see a circle that just wants out. What you have to do is shift all of your energy to the Styro's heart, it's inner self, free your arms of their physical connection to your body and let them float like elegant swans in nature's finest ballet, and most important of all ..."
Now I was hanging on every word "What, what, what's most important of all?"
"Do you have any other job prospects?"
Perfection: ... Kid, you gotta approach each circle as if it were entirely different from the last. Though they may look the same, each one is different, just don't let the Q.A. Engineer know that. At the end of the day, you'll have a big pile of circles and that will be a monument for your honest toil."
I couldn't help but notice that the Proctor Silex had an automatic drip-stop on it so you could pull it off the burner while it was still brewing. "Huh? Oh, yeah, honest toil, gotch'ya gotch'ya ... say Spence, what do they do with all these circles anyway?"
He took a couple puffs off his pipe, shrugged his shoulders and said "Kid, I just work here, I ain't gettin' paid to ask questions."
Astral Projection: He hobbled back to his work station, tapping the pipe against his hip then putting it back in his pocket. He walked no more than three more feet when he mysteriously vanished! Disappeared right before my very eyes, I'm not talking metaphorically or anything like that. This was pure Star Trek transport stuff.
Car Talk: Funny thing is, when I asked around, nobody had ever heard of Spence. There was no record of him on the payroll system and he had for sure never been to any of the after work happy hours. It worked out ok for me though because I copped his coffee mug and since he had left the keys for his car, I took that too. It wasn't the greatest, a '78 Plymouth Volaré wagon but it got me around for a few years.
The Deadline Pressures Continue: I just had my first performance review with my sponsors, The Rough Fish World Empire, and it was suggested that either I take a vacation or check into a treatment center. Seeing as it's only my 3rd week they were worried I may not make it to the end of my 52 week contract without somebody getting hurt.
It was also suggested that I write only when the sun is shining and only when the strongest substance running through my bloodstream was a succulent blend of earthy red corpuscles, gleaming white platelets and a nice hearty base of the finest plasma.
Artistic Expression: Naturally I had a problem with those demands because who can truly express themselves when the sun is casting its unnatural spell by illuminating everything equally? No my friend, expression is best carried out under the cover of darkness when all is hidden until singular elements are unveiled one by one by the artist's uncertain source of inner light. Some by design, others by chance, which is of the utmost importance; premeditated acts of revelation will unveil nothing but a vacant housing for the soul.
Paranoia Begins to Set In: Maybe they altered the label. This was all an experiment to mess with my subconscious, a placebo conspiracy of sorts. I checked my watch, it was 9:30, I had 2 1 /2 hours to finish writing for the day and I was damned if I was going to do it on a bad batch of disguised decaf.
A Confrontation With the Elderly Hostess at Lunds: "Now looky here" she said in a disgusted tone "Now I've helped you many times in dis here store and I've never, NEVER let you down Mister. Remember when you needed Lemon Grass? I found you Lemon Grass and I'm sorry it didn't have the effect you tot it would! Remember when you didn't know da difference between turnips and parsnips? I set you straight big time and your dinner party went wit' out a hitch. Oh yah, remember da time yuh almost purchased doze unlubricated ribbed watch'ya' muh callits? Well I'm sure I saved somebody from a rough ride that night I'll tell yah!"
More Cigarette Smoking: She let out a heavy sigh, pulled a pack of Luckys out of the pocket of her green apron, tapped the pack against her knuckles and put the end with the imprint to her ancient cracked lips. With a graceful sleight of hand she produced a large wooden match out of nowhere, ran it across the stainless-steel edging of the shelves until I heard the snap of combustion followed by the whooshing sound of a hungry flame gobbling up any neighboring pockets of oxygen within its powerful perimeter and brought the dazzling flame to the end of the Lucky Strike as her cheeks exercised their hollow chasms of concave muscularity and billows of smoke filled the sterile atmosphere of Aisle #1.
"No Honey, I don't." She said in a low Kathleen Turner-like voice and exhaled a cancerous cumulus cloud in my direction. "You see, ever since our manager Ken, by the way, all grocery store managers are named Ken or Kenny, saw Fargo he thought it would be cute to have a hostess with that accent thing going, thought it would be good for business. That stupid little ^#!@(*#!"
Petty Crime: ... then she told me to reach up and cup my hand over the camera hidden inside a fake jar of herring and she crammed a fresh carton of Camel Lights, soft pack, down the front of my coat, slapped my ass and told me to scram and use the exit by the gumball machines and, "Oh, yeah, put a rush on it."
Authority Figures: The guard, Frank Gaudamski , looking pissed as usual throws down the latest issue of Security Guard Monthly, stands up and walks toward me.
"Yo Frank, any good articles this month or do you just look at the pictures?"
"%@#$ ?%% Swanson, as a matter of fact, I was just in the middle of an informational piece called 20 Watertight Alibis to Use After You Accidentally Shoot a Smart Ass in the Line of Duty."
"Ouch! Right in the line of duty, huh?"
Frank laughs because he's pretty sure I cracked another joke but probably won't be sure till some time in the middle of the night. He signals for me to undo the handcuff from my wrist and raise my hands above my head. Actually, he told me to verbally but I just didn't feel like typing quotation marks again.
Apathy: I stood there nodding and smiling like Robin Leach, watching Frank's mouth move but mostly I was only hearing buzzing noises and an occasional pop culture reference.
Armed & Dangerous: "... I tracked him down and shot him ... I had to, I couldn't have some doped-up janitor running around on my watch. Crazy punk might'a jumped out of a broom closet with a shiv. Naw, I couldn't tolerate that so I put a few caps in his sorry ass, put the gun in his hand and told the investigators that he swiped my weapon while I was sleeping in one of the back offices and then threatened my life. It's no big deal, we do it all the time ... so what's in the case?"
The Members of the Carp 18 (it's a band!) I can't say that I know them by name, I tend to get them mixed up, all I know is that they're all devilishly handsome and they all have special skills that, when put together, create quite a talented team, similar in a way to the central characters from Hogan's Heroes. It's funny that they never seem to have any gigs though. I've asked around and no one's quite sure if they've ever had one.
Russian Racehorse: I have to admit, I've listened to the record (which I ordered through Midwest Underground simply by clicking on a graphic identical to the one below) ...
... and I find it quite enjoyable. Funny thing is, after I listen to it, I don't feel like doing a damn thing. That "slapdash" quality just sort of rubs off on you just don't find it worth the effort to try too hard at anything.
Written Consent: A few months ago I taped a Vikings game and then , without the written consent of the NFL, charged a bunch of people 6 bucks a head to watch it later at my house. I never thought in a million years I'd get busted for that one but the damn doorbell rings and it's frickin' John Madden asking for directions to Austin, MN! Well, it could have been ugly but after splitting the 36 bucks with him and loading him up with Pizza Rolls, some Hot Pockets and a six-pack of Hamms, everything turned out hunky-dory.
Guitar Care Tips From Ritchie Blackmore Taken Right Out of a Magazine: ... it surprised me that Ritchie had a good sense of humor as he shares some fascinating guitar-care tips as well. (at least, I think he's being light):
"....interestingly, with the Taylor (note from Gather T,: Taylor is a real nice, expensive guitar that I, personally, wouldn't store vegetables in) you have to watch the weather. Put a potato in your guitar case overnight; cut it in half and it hydrates the guitar. Taylors are very light, so they need the moisture. The potato does the same thing as a humidifier, but it also has the benefit of being a conversation piece. (note from Gather T. I guess it gets lonely out on the road) And it's guaranteed to get you stopped at airport customs for at least four hours. They take you to the side, look at the potato in the case and say, "What?" You've got a potato?" Then they destroy it and take it away and analyze it. Especially if you go through Canada."
I'm not sure what to make of all this but if I ever sold a guitar to Ritchie I'd say "You want fries with that?"
Summer Movie Preview: Joan of Arc Lights up the Dark
Walt Disney Studios is proud to present a carefully market-researched fully animated spectacle aimed at parents with daughters. It's the story of a brave young gal full of piss & vinegar who defies the odds and ends up with everything at stake.
A rousing soundtrack filled with the "soon to be classic" Disney Sing-alongs such as "Might as well Make it Medium-well, You're the One Going to Hell," "Well Done Joan, Well Done!" the antiwar anthem "Feels Like this War's Gonna Last 100 Years" and the lovely ballad "Somewhere."
Features the voice talents of Eddie Murphy as the wise-cracking visionary spirit of St. Michael, Roseanne Barr as the sarcastic visionary spirit of St. Catherine, Jeremy Irons as the evil Bishop of Beauvais, and Hank Hill as the magical flying stake who saves Joan's life at the last second, rocketing her to freedom while singing a country ballad with Willie Nelson, "Not Only Do Them English Have Bad Teeth, They Should'a Used Propane."
Exclusive toy merchandising deal has been struck with Snuffy's BBQ Shack.
Funny Guy
Steve Buscemi plays a "heart on his sleeve" humorist who writes a weekly online humor column for no pay other than the rewards of making people laugh. Two beautiful, faithful readers (played by Sandra Bullock and Sherylin Fenn) both fall madly in love with him and when he can't decide between the two, they work out an arrangement as a 3-way couple. Soundtrack by Carp 18 (packaged under the title "Russian Racehorse").
Black Hole
A brilliant scientist (John Malkovich with a strong German accent) discovers that the Earth is quickly being drawn into a black hole. Funny thing, is nobody believes him because his accent is too exaggerated so he's forced to take action without the help of any government!
According to his calculations, there is less than 24 hours to assemble a team to send up to fill the black hole with a substance he has invented called "EBD" (Einstein's Black Dirt).
Black dirt contractor Buck Ennay (Bruce Willis) is pulled from his job to round up the motliest gang of black dirt spreaders (Clint Howard, Vanilla Ice, Brian Bosworth etc ....) ever to hit the cosmos.
Armed only with shovels and sheer strength, the motley team overpower the guards at NASA, swipe the Space Shuttle Columbia, fill the cargo bay with EBD, blast off, find the black hole and start shoveling!
Champagne Supernova
A gang of horny college students heading to the Padres Islands take a wrong turn and end up saving the world from the "Big Gulp" the black hole that nearly sucks up the Earth.
Armed only with a Volkswagen Golf, a few bucks, an Apple G3 Powerbook, a trunkful of Trojans and a stack of CDs by Sugar Ray, Eve 6 and Carp 18; Trey, Tanner & Puck pick up three scantily dressed hitchhikers Sharona, Shirelle and Siren .
While short on cash and low on fuel they steal some gas from a farmer's field with intention of paying it back when they get home. Little do they know, they've just tapped into a source of experimental space fuel that converts "Farfugnugen" into "Farfromhomen!"
Soon finding themselves in space heading toward the Big Gulp, this amazing group of young people learn about teamwork, discipline and most of important of all, hedonistic pleasure in cramped spaces!
Thanks to the new and improved versatility of USB (universal serial bus) the gang figures out away to connect the Apple Powerbook to the fuel injection system of the Volkwagen Golf; next they fill their remaining Trojans with the experimental space fuel, send them floating toward the Big Gulp and prepare for detonation by sticking their Fosgate-powered subwoofer system out the hatch and playing tracks 9-12 (Yellow Dye #5, Man on a Mission, I Luv Luv and Hauswärming Party) from Carp 18's critically acclaimed CD Russian Racehorse then haul booty back to Earth.
By the time the phone is hitting its last ring on Hauswärming Party, the Big Gulp is nothing but a dim memory. Of course, that leaves time for the closing credits which is a perfect time to reveal the hidden track, Unlisted Number from the above-mentioned CD. The lyrics don't have a lot to do with the plot but they usually don't on the closing credits song.
This Old Moon
Bob Villa and Norm Abrahms are reunited for this Sci-Fi adventure as two contractors who are sent to the moon to prepare for colonization due to earth's overpopulation.
Norm, supplied only with a hammer and nails, and Bob supplied with an arsenal of Sears Craftsman tools land on the moon and begin renovation. Every 14 days they are visited by a wacky materials supplier played by Christopher Lloyd and a cameo by Jim Carrey as a talking black hole.
Gilligan's Hell Hole
Kevin Costner wrote, directed and stars in this post-apocalyptic action adventure epic based loosely on the 60's television series Gilligan's Island. He plays the part of Thorax Gilligan, a former CIA strongman and celebrity bodyguard.
After the the U.S. mainland is destroyed by Kosovoan cruise missiles, Thorax must transport a group of civilians chosen to be the most essential humans for the rebuilding of humanity to a secret man-made island located roughly 3 hours from Hawaii in the Space Shuttle Minnow. Due to the passing of a black star in the cosmos overhead, the tiny ship was tossed about in the ionosphere before making its descent back to Earth, jamming all the high-tech electronic equipment on board.
After making an emergency landing in a tropical storm, Thorax finds himself stranded on a remote island with software tycoon Billy "Gatemouth" Brown III (Chris Kataan), his lovely wife Courtney Lovey (Courtney Love), a professor with an unintelligible Norwegian accent (John Malkovich), Thorax's incompetent superior officer known simply as Skipper (Charles Durning), a beautiful and brilliant agricultural expert from Kansas who specializes in coconuts know as Sweet Jane (Sandra Bullock), and the sexy Hollywood starlet simply known as Nova (Nicole Kidmann with a wig).
Battling malaria and a wacky Japanese sub commander (Gedde Watanabe) who's stuck in the lagoon, the castaways find that love and friendship conquer all. Members of the rock band Weezer make a cameo appearance as The Mosquitoes.
Dudley Do-Right
Starring Brendan Fraser as the, not so bright, Canadian Mountie. Also starring Sarah Jessica Parker as Nell, Alfred Molina as Snidely Whiplash, Robert Prosky as Inspector Fenwick and featuring cameos by Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford.
My Mother the Car
Starring Ray Ramano as (in the part made famous by Jerry Van Dyke) Dave Crabtree, a lawyer who buys a car which turns out to contain the spirit of his reincarnated mother. To make matters worse, Dave develops a fear of performing in the courtroom and can only do so while sleepwalking and playing the banjo. Also starring Dabney Coleman as the sinister Captain Bernard Mancini and Doris Roberts as a talking '81 Chevy Citation.
Bewitched, the Groovy Movie
In this "Ultra-lounge" meets the "Psychedelic 60's" retro fest, we find Jim Carrey as the martini-swilling ad exec/lounge lizard Darrin Stevens who falls in love with groovy hippie-chick Samantha (Nicole Kidmann with a wig) and must learn to deal with her wacky acid-dropping relatives while trying to appear "straight" in the uptight suburban community of New Rochelle.
Also stars Roseanne Barr as Endora, Dabney Coleman as Larry Tate, and Christopher Lloyd as Dr. Bombay.
Herman, the Reluctant Sperm Cell
Dreamworks Pictures present the computer-animated tale of young Herman (voice of Howie Mandell) a shy, slow swimmer who can dream of nothing more than winning the big race to the egg. The kind, venerable sperm cell Spitz (voice of James Earl Jones) has been there and back and shares his wisdom with young Herman.
Dukezilla
Inspired by the Coors commercial where John Wayne's head appears to be 3 times the size of that of the drill sergeant. Dukezilla goes on a spree of destruction smashing everything he views as "Un-American" including Japanese imports, home recording studios, cell phones, Internet Service Providers, home theater systems, condoms (they're pretty hard to smash though) and MP3 Players.
Cult Status & The SLA 2ndly, I have to thank everyone for helping us reach our goal of 100 hits in 4 days. That legally puts this column into "cult status" and I couldn't be more pleased. We've been "common-law cult status" since February but this is the real deal. Monday Mud has finally kicked the ass of the Symbionese Liberation Army 10 times over. Anyway, I've received most of the paperwork including some complex tax forms and a pretty comprehensive questionnaire from the CIA; I guess they already have most of the information from you guys since they can retrieve files from your hard drive while you're surfing the Net and they know "who" hits "which" pages. They just wanted some additional information from me, favorite color, top 10 songs of all time, "Have you, or any of your relatives ever been to Havana?", "Why did you go to China in 1996 and why did you leave the vicinity of Beijing without notifying the US Embassy?", "Why did you make an overnight train run to Amsterdam before you attended the Neil Young concert in Wiesbäden in '82?", that kind of thing.
Religion: I'd been an "infidel" for so long I was getting spoiled on the good life. Now I find myself trying to nonchalantly slip into a dark corner of the church so I can offer my own kids a chance to rebel too, I can't keep that from them. I considered some alternatives like Buddhism & Episcopalianism but I'm pretty sure somewhere during the course of my upbringing, my genetic code was programmed for the "fish on Fridays' lifestyle so I think I'm pretty much %@#$^$.
An Unused Cartoon from the 80s:
Success & Artistic Integrity: I find myself at a crossroads artistically, jeez, 100 hits, I never intended to be this successful and I'm having a hard time dealing with it so I might as well fess up right now that I've turned to drinking and drugs. Sure I've done it before for various reasons but this time it's purely for artistic reasons. At first there was an element of excitement with the record breaking hits but I awoke one night thinking...
"Have I sold out?"
Old Navy: The first thing I wanna get off my chest concerns that old bitch in the black dress on those Old Navy commercials. I can't even tell if I'm on drugs or not anymore when I flip on the tube and see her dancing around on a typewriter with a bunch of Malibu Kens and Barbies struttin' their stuff in drawstring shorts. Has anyone seen this? Please email me if you can confirm this sighting so I can make the appropriate arrangements. Somebody stop me if Jerry Seinfeld has covered this, but, do people get bigger eyeglass frames as they get older? One last thing, is it odd that an entire choreographed commercial would be produced just to push one random piece of merchandise? And that the one item would be drawstring shorts? I may own a pair or two but I can assure you, I didn't leave the house with a quest to purchase them. It was purely accidental. Plus, the price seems a bit high doesn't it?
Carlotta: Okay, my next issue concerns Carlotta, the animated talking car on George Corporal's most recent attempt at brilliant advertising. Now, George has been shoveling some pretty weird stuff our way for several years now and I'd have to admit, this is probably better than the footage of a couple Holstein cows talking about Jesse Ventura as they chew their cuds. But, it gets me wondering about a couple things, is it possible that there's now such a thing as "animated clip art"? George can just order it right out of a catalog. or online, and then spends a good liquid lunch writing the script? Probably got a package deal with that little "swish" sound file he uses in that comic moment when he turns his head real quick, raises his finger and says "Now wait a minute!" That one had me rolling on the floor but it might have just been the 13 bong hits doing the laughing ...
Pleasantville: I returned Pleasantville to the video store and the clerk asked if I liked it. I admitted that it started out kind of cool but I couldn't figure out the scoop on the Don Knotts character among other things. Plus I thought the visual effects were over rated.
"Did you have your color settings right on your TV?" he asked.
"No, I have a black & white TV" I replied.
The Masters Tournament: Not to say that golf is boring but I as I was pulling out of one my mid afternoon comas it looked like somebody had turned to the History Channel, I thought I was watching the landing crew of Apollo 12 pitching golf balls on the moon but it just turned out to be Greg Norman fighting his way out of another sand trap.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
War, What is it Good For?: There certainly has been a surplus of military brass oozing out of the woodwork and into our daily planet since the latest episode of "never heard of it, so let's bomb it" madcap antics has kicked in. Shit, I can barely remember Monica Lewinsky's name right now!
I'll spare you any political sermons or opinions because I don't know jack about the subject and/or any other foreign policy situation. I remember sitting at Thanksgiving dinner way back when Charlie Daniels was actually on the charts and announcing that the whole hostage thing in Teheran shouldn't last more than a few weeks. Within a year I owned all the "Ayatollah on a target" menswear that I could get my hands on plus the entire back-catalogue of the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
Marketing the Enemy: ... I blame myself of course because I've insulated myself from the real world with four-wheel drive, surround-sound and the automatic ice maker in my freezer. If I had to hit the road as a refugee I'd be totally screwed, I can tell you that! With the Balkans, I just can't get a visual on some "out of control" tyrannical despot the way I could cozy up to the cute, punchable Saddam Hussein. I mean, there was some great marketing on that guy, you just wanted him to blow up real good by the time he came out the gate. Shit, to this day I put him up there with The Penguin and the Riddler.
The Dentist: "Any last questions before we schedule your appointments Gather T.?
It was now or never and I tried to play it cool.
"Do you guys use that, that gas or whatever you call it?"
"Oh Nitrous? Sure we can use that if you think it would help."
I was trying not to appear too eager but I knew I looked like a dog that'd been locked up in a kennel all day and was asked to go outside.
"Yes, I think that would be very helpful Dr. Roberts." I said in my most polite Eddie Haskell voice.
I couldn't stop my head from nodding and I could see saliva tracers flying in every direction and I knew it was time to calm down. He looked a bit concerned.
"Now, Gather T., I just want to let you know that some people don't enjoy the nitrous, it makes them feel a little funny so give it some careful thought."
As I do from time to time I answered a little too fast.
"No, Dude, really, I 'll be cool with it .. I mean ... I've been doing some research about the side-effects and I think I'll be fine."
Another Janitorial Flashback: The dental school was an easy gig because it was always clean so I had idle hands and it wasn't long before I found the Devil's workshop. I was kicking back in a dental chair reading a pretty good installment of Goofus & Gallant in the latest issue of "Highlights" when I first noticed the mask and the tanks. I did a quick double-take and checked the corridors for any stragglers and the coast was clear. I tried on the mask and mucked around with the valves till I found a nice blend and went back to my reading.
Al Gore: Nothing against horny hillbillies but now that I've been seeing former Bugtustle, Tennessee resident Al Gore hoopin' n' hollerin' around the country setting up his bid for the Presidency I just have to shake my head.
Sure, he's been pretty sedate and low-key as the Vice President but just give him the power and he'll be stocking up the White House pantry with his jugs of corn squeezins and hillbilly aphrodisiacs just like his predecessor. Next thing you know, there'll be more investigations, more Barbara Walter interviews and more broken-hearted interns who have been seduced by that infamous horny hillbilly charm.
Aging Rock Stars: ...what's getting to me are the Matlock-rockers who are still growing as artists and have somehow cheated the inevitable rock star tragic death. It might come as a surprise but Styrofoam® circle cutters just don't make as much money as you might think and some of the geezer rockers are asking a pretty penny for their shows. Last time the Rolling Kidney Stones were in town I had to pass because I was turned down for a loan by Ticketmaster. My credit rating almost covered the loan for the actual tickets but once the handling charges were added it was out of my league.
The Stones in the Dome: Keith and Ronnie were about 3 city blocks away from each other and they were actually signaling chord changes to each other using semaphore flags. Fortunately, throughout all of it, you can always rely on listening to the incredible drumming of Charlie Watts. But, due to the length of time it takes for sound waves to travel, by the time you heard the drums kick in, the song was already over. I first noticed it on "Miss You", I was happy as a clam listening to Charlie cracking away at the the snare drum. But, when I looked through the binoculars, there he was, cracking open a bottle of Moet & Chandon and nibbling away at a plate of Coq au Vin and steamed asparagus that was sitting on his floor tom. There was a waiter taking Keith's order and if my lip reading was correct, he was ordering the soup & heroin special.
Neil Young: Neil Young:Orpheum Theater: 2 night acoustic performance. They actually have tickets for $125 which includes a reception with Neil. I could picture how smooth that would be in a Chris Farley way ... "Hey Neil?" (high voice) "Yeah" (rubbing sweaty palms on legs) "Remember when you were in Buffalo Springfield?" "Yeah, what about it?" "That was awesome!"
Gus Grimstone Fills In:
Iknew they'd be calling, I just frick'n knew it.
Sure, I was pissed when those bastards at Rough Fish passed me over for the cush Monday Mud writing gig but I got over it after a 3 day binge of Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots. Seems like a good way to blow off some steam and nobody gets hurt, except of course this time I still was so ticked I ended up punching some'a those Rough Fish bastards in the frick'n bread basket anyway.
So who do they call when that frick'n mint julep Swanson needs to take a week off due to stress? Good ol' frick'n Gus, that's who. Yeah I been readin' his stuff for the past three months and it ain't my cup of meat, I can tell yuh that. To tell yuh the truth, I can't even follow it half the time and my Commodore 64 won't even load the frick'n graphics. So while ol' Gather T. is away at his PeterPan-Syndrome Awareness Retreat, ol Gus'll be remindin' the readers how a column should be written, that frick'n "wink-wink, nudge-nudge" subtlety don't work on the frick'n internet. You gotta reach out from the monitor, grab yer reader by the nostrils with a crow bar and pull 'em on in.
...If I hear one more beef about road rage, I think I'm gonna go ballistic.
... well screw the Einstein bullshit, if you see a rusty El Camino ridin' yer ass on 394 you'd best pull over to the frick'n shoulder 'cos one of us is gonna punch the clock on time and one of us ain't.
... A good road rage run requires a careful selection of ass kickin' rock & roll. I ain't talkin' about the Archers of Loaf kind'a crap neither ...
... what good does it do ya to hear a song you've never heard before?
... You won't find any "English-major" rock in my changer, just quality shit.
... Gus don't buy double CDs, that's for rich bastards only.
... Not only is that (Calling Dr. Love) the ultimate jam for bumper-ridin' but a guy's gotta keep a little romance music around to put his lil' lady in the mood when he comes home with a 6-pack of Champale and a fistful of dandelions.
... Heh, I'll never forget how impressed our guests were when my buddy cranked that one out on his Hondo electric through a Peavey Bandit in the frick'n chapel. In a way, I think that single moment helped establish the relationship I have with my in-laws to this day, they stay out of my frick'n face, I stay out of theirs.
... Actually I don't like this one (The Razor's Edge) as much as Highway to Hell but it's got some good memories for me and I've always been somewhat of a frick'n romantic.
... it's no secret that pawn shop customers have the best taste in music so that's where I pick up most of my tuneage.
...this particular one had an added bonus, turns out the guy left a nice Polaroid of his girlfriend in the CD booklet and it has always touched me in some way.
... I try to stick with the "greatest hits" for the most part, otherwise you get into that situation called "deep frick'n tracks."
... Somehow BTO captured the rhythmic pulse of the average white guy better than any other rock band in the frick'n history of rock & roll...
...If your clenched fists, concrete hips and steel-toed dancing boots can't lock-in to the beat of "Takin' Care of Business" then I suggest you get yer honky ass off the dance floor cause Gus is ready to hoof and he needs room to move!
...sometimes the truth frick'n hurts, don't kill me, I'm just the frick'n messenger.
... when I listen to the heart wrenching lyrics of "Billy Don't Be a Hero" it reminds me of what the hits of today are missing: good songwriting, pure & frick'n simple!
Lynyrd Skynyrd Skynyrd's Innards: Need I frickin' elaborate? These are the songs that are behind most road-rage occurrences, they just bring out the man in all of us, even if yer a broad.
...I'm about 3 blocks from the crossing and there's a lineup of wimps ahead of me who think the flashing reds mean "STOP"! Shit, in my book, the flashing lights are merely a frick'n suggestion, you don't stop until the freight is clearing the crossing!
...Sure, the lyrics don't match up to the situation but with Skynyrd you only get a few subjects, playin' in a band, getting wasted, bar room brawlin' and casual sex with anonymous groupies.
Like Gus Sr. always told me "Little Gus, whiskey must be made out of ***** & boxing gloves 'cos when I drink it, all I feel like doing is ******* & fighting!"
And need I mention Freebird? Another anthem for regular guys like me. That was another one my buddy played on his Hondo at my wedding, the preacher tried talking me out of it because he said something about the lyrics not fitting into the wedding theme. Sure it added some time to the ceremony but, shit, the way I figure it, a guy only gets married a few times in his life so why not make the ceremony special. I slipped my buddy a ten-spot and told him to sneak in an extra guitar solo.
You've probably heard someone yell out "Freebird" at club gigs and concerts. Well, the voice you've probably heard is "your's truly" and if it ain't, then it's somebody who admires my work and is just a pale imitator.
A good road rage scene wouldn't be complete with out a little help from the Motor City Madman, The Nuge, El Nugerinzky...
... my buddy got most of the chords right but during the middle interlude he was getting all confused cos he was stoned out his mind (too much Everclear & Angel Dust at the groom's breakfast I guess).
... I dedicated the song to my new Mother-in-Law and told her to think about the words everytime she thought about dropping in on us "unannounced".
I mean, that Judas Priest guy's a frick'n genius but he's only got 2 good songs, so why listen to the rest of the crap that wasn't good enough to get on the radio?
... and Jethro Tull (I ain't too crazy about Jethro's goddamn skin flute playin' but anybody that sings about snot running down a nose is a true poet in my frick'n book).
... Hey, they told me to just write about 1,500 words and I'm close to 2,500. Looks like the bastards at Rough Fish owe me time-an-a-half!
The Archives
02/15/99 Orientation 02/22/99 Smoke on the Water, Billy Ocean & EBay 03/01/99 Dream Weavin', Sgt Snorkel's Secret Code, Ruby Tuesday's 03/08/99 Styrofoam Circles, Exchanging Coffee At Lunds, Somewhere on the East Coast 03/15/99 The Never Ending Story Part 1, Corrections and Influences 03/22/99 The Never Ending Story "Part Deux" 03/29/99 Summer Movie Preview Contest 04/05/99 "Hey, It's a Cult!," Amateur Theology, An Unused Cartoon From the Early 80's, Contest Answer 04/12/99 Reverting to Old Ways, Going Off on Commercials, The Masters Tournament 04/19/99 Special Piece of Crap Issue: Life During Wartime, It's a Gas! Dock-umentary Preview 04/26/99 Previous Issue Apology, No More Horny Hillbillies for Prez, Aging Rock Stars, MP3 Files 05/03/99 Guest Writer Gus Grimstone Simplifies the Mysteries of the Universe With A Gut Punch 05/10/99 Writer's Block, Television vs TV, Stamping Out Crime with Sporks & Scotch Tape 05/24/99 Star Wars, nothin' but Star Wars, if they should bar wars, don't let them end. 06/07/99 Amnesia & Other Excuses, Film Critics on Weed, Last Random Notes 06/14/99 Surly Rantings; Yes Virginia, there is a Rastler Governor; The Clipboard Gauntlet 06/28/99 Is Dave Matthews Cool?; Surfin' Safari; Safety Trip Tips; Patch Adams & Other Random Notes 07/12/99 Summertime Blues, Unemployment Fantasy #1, Still on Dave Matthews Case, Catholic Rock Festivals 07/26/99 Shakespeare in Lust; Reddi, Wip GO! What the Puck? A Rare Moment of Reflection 08/02/99 The Sun Was in My Eyes; The Perfect Circle; Previews for What Was Supposed to be This Week 08/09/99 Has the Mud Changed the World?;Talkin' FBI Paranoia Blues; Classic Rock, Have We Had Enough? 08/16/99 Too tired to write a description, I'll hit it next week (still can't think of one) 09/06/99 Looking forward to Y2K; The Family Banjo; New Religion: Buddh-Lite; Did I Miss a Meeting?;Urgent Care, Classic Rock 09/2099 An Upfront Apology; Muscle Car Blues; Endless Summer; The Fall Television Preview 10/04/99 Okay, Here's the Deal; Thanks Everybody, for Not Sending Any Weed; Gather T. Opens Up the Reader Mail Bag
Let us know if you want to be on the subscriber list at carp18@aol.com it's free and we are not connected with any online casinos or any other internet parasites
Carp 18, it's a band!
Copyright © 1999 Rough Fish World Empire